OneRepublic - Really? Yes, I am embarrassed - at least its not Taylor Swift!!!

Ian,

I heard a song on the radio today. I thought of you. I watched the video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0rxydSolwU) - and only thought more about you. I must talk about it!

We always talked about my theory of teenagers - that good taste in music is the last thing teens develop. I really tried to start you off right - with the classics of the British Invasion, stylish new wave, popping punk, grunge, alternative, folk even classical. You seemed to catch on early - no teeny bopper music for you. You treasured music - whether Dylan, Red Hot Chili Pepper's, Devil Wears Pradda, or Mumford and Sons. You played Ray Charles when Nate and Nolan were babies - so they would get used to the classics. They HAD to learn about good music!!!

But introducing a OneRepublic song is definitely pushing it! Take a listen, here my stories and see what you think. As I listened to the song, I was reminded that you lived "heart out front, no fear to fall."

"I Lived"

Hope when you take that jump
You don't fear the fall
Hope when the water rises
You build a wall

Hope when the crowd screams out
They're screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

Convincing you go jump in and live with your whole heart was never required. It came naturally. Whether you hustled on the basketball court, making steals, passing the ball, trying to dunk or shooting 3-pointers - it was always giving it all you had. That carried over to football - toughest kid on the field, and probably one of the shortest. But your grit, strength and tenacity put you on the field starting as defensive tackle - really??  

But it was on the Ultimate pitch you shined the most. You ran the fastest, jumped the highest and covered your opponents like a man possessed. You seemed to never tire and were always the rock on the teams you played on. It was never just physical skills - you had a drive to give your best. If that meant laying out and missing the disc; guarding the toughest player on the field and they got the best of you; it did not matter. With no fear to fall, you could give your all and be okay win, loose or draw. Well, not draw so much...

I mean you could bench well over 300lbs, leg press a SmartCar, squat - well, something heavy, and run fast - didn't they clock you at a 4.4 sec 40 your senior year? You played more than physically, it was your passion, your heart that set you apart, made you special. People wanted to play on YOUR team, have YOU on their team. You lived life "heart out front, no fear to fall."

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad
The only way you can know
Is give it all you have
And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes
You'll say...

You were always passionate about relationships whether it was friends, girls, family or the homeless person you met at Starbucks. Nothing was too great to give - time, listening ear, money to help. I remember driving you to Manor, Round Rock, yadda yadda just to hang out with friends. You gave your self to music, ball room dancing, sports (see above). I remember the Ball Room dancing presentation with the Bells show. We sat at the back. My pictures of the event were terrible, but we did film it as a movie (not great either due to distance). But the memory in my head - very clear. You and Marrielle danced together, and you picked her up and swung her around you like she weighed nothing - the crowd went wild; we went wild!

You carried Seraina up those stairs to Mount Bonnell to ask her to prom! You did it on your knew with a ring pop! Really??? I remember listening after you went Home to the recordings you and Seraina made - singing Adele duets in your car. Also hearing about your sneaking off campus for lunch, laughing and confiding. You and Terry headed on your lone "road trip" - to New Orleans. The pictures, the stories - yep you had fun. Good clean fun together. Packing memories of a lifetime into days. Finally, your relationships with Terry and rest of your accountability group - you guys held each other up, held each other accountable, supported one another. You lived and loved "heart out front, no fear to fall."

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived

Your exploits at A&M were legendary. How many times did you go Pond Hopping? What was this about your idea to pond hop "naked?" Valentines for all the girls in the dorm? Bring everyone to Austin and it was non-stop experiences - Frisbee at Zilker, rock climbing by the bridge, hiking Mount Bonnell, seeing downtown. I remember looking outside and the fire pit had a flame 10 feet tall coming out of it - scorching leaves of the tree above it n the middle of the summer. You had marshmallows out for smores and snacks. Stories, giggling, belling laughing - late into the night before crashing wherever people could find horizontal surfaces. You were a friend, tour guide, playmate and cruise director. At A&M, stories of your schedule: cardio exercise or running, lift weights, hanging out, studying, A+ tutoring, watching movies, showing Youtubes, playing or teaching the bass, occasionally sleeping, and on and on. You could not slow down.

Aggies turned out in droves to honor your memory - maybe 80 people at Muster, maybe 60 to match the other 60 friends at our house the day before your service. No telling how many out of the 600+ at your service came from College Station. You left a lifetime of love and memory in less than a year on hundreds of people. You lived "heart out front, no fear to fall."

You passionately pursued time with your family. Leaving your phone in the car at meals out - to not be distracted in conversation and time by texts or calls. A great deal of growth considering you could text over 7,000 times a month in Jr. High! You stayed in touch with Danny, visiting him in Houston, playing his games - sharing his interests. How many t-shirts of his did you wear? How many bands did he introduce you to? How many did you introduce him too? You and Caylea always kept close. You two were always like twins! You had your own communication language. Sometimes it was the language of cat's fighting, other times it was just hanging out talking, laughing in one of your rooms or the kitchen. When you road in the car - you always sat in the middle - to see better. Really it was to be in the middle of the conversation, to be near both your siblings, to engage with us in the front seat. Watching a movie, or hanging out in the Pogue Common Room, you would sit right next to one of your family - like touching us - even if there was lots of space on another couch or chair. You never wanted space between your relationship with Mom or I. If a disagreement, you would pursue reconciliation. I miss texting with you each day. Calls, chats, lunches, so so much I miss. In relationships, you always lived "heart out front, no fear to fall."

I know that I always talk about your fitness level - but you wanted to be an exercise physiologist or trainer. So, exercise and being in shape was important to you. Whether it was skates or bikes in Vacaville. Remember making that jump on the hill? You approached it with NO fear and made it. I flinched and missed the jump, landing in the middle. A bit embarrassing for sure. In CA, it was skateboarding, jumps, tricks, sweat dripping down you face and shirt; basketball - working till you could dunk on a 10 foot goal; football, soccer or Ultimate - getting in great shape to give you an advantage on the field. But your fitness fanaticism could get you into trouble; it could be legendary. I remember a story when Mom and I went on a cruise on our 20th anniversary. While we were gone, your running and excessive exercise got the best of you. Your schedule that day was weight lifting at 24 Hour Gym, several full sets, then you ran - 10 miles - you said. (You could exaggerate at times...many times sometimes...). After getting back home, you found you had developed a hernia!! Then you call us - in Italy! Great - besides other issues we had dealt with remotely - we had to figure that one out. 

Thankfully, Momma Jean and Poppa Gene could come down and gave Caylea a hand with your bent-over-self. You insisted on getting surgery quickly - you had to get back in shape! Time was awasting. And you did! I still remember your story about how Poppa Gene drove you home from the hospital. You were tender, and feeling was coming back and he seemed to hit every pot-hole in the road and apparently stopped hard at ever light. Even Caylea said it was uncomfortable - you said it was excruciating. But you were a good trooper and recovered quickly. Mom was so concerned - we had to find reception to Skype with you before surgery. You were still her little man - even if a big guy. Not being near you in surgery was so stressful for her. But you reassured her and all turned out okay. Yep, you lived "heart out front, no fear to fall."

Whoa

Whoa

Whoa

Oh

Oh

Yeah, with every broken bone

I swear I lived

Yeah, with every broken bone

I swear I lived

I looked through some photos of you - so many crazy pictures: the dress up days, stupid things, funny stories, silliness. These go on and on - I guess that the pictures tell a thousand stories showing your method of life, "heart out front, no fear to fall."

 Hope that you spend your days
But they all add up
And when that sun goes down
Hope you raise your cup
I wish that I could witness
All your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes
I'll say...

If it not clear, you loved people and gave your heart to them as well as your strength. Our time on mission in El Salvador illustrated that. We were there a week - but you built a family, new brothers - Cesar and others, new sisters, everyone wanted you to stay. Your family was over a hundred people in number - in a week!!!! The kids wanted to sign your shirt - so you would remember them. I don't know how many messages and names - still hangs in my closet - but I still look on the shirt with awe. It represents people who saw that Jesus was real - by the way you lived your life with them for one short week. It was not about being out front as the leader - you served and were satisfied to do lowly things. You carried heavy things, delivered food, taught guitar,  gave away all your shoes, most of your socks and shirts, shared Jesus - you loved. Your love reflected the Savior and no one forgot it. You continued serving at the Stone. This times it was the Kids. You chose to give your talent on the bass to God - to use. But you didn't just play, you serve the kids each Sunday when not working, or before work. Set up, tear down, playing the bass in the band. No chore too small, you lived "heart out front, no fear to fall."

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived

I guess this song started my mind thinking - remembering what made you tick, how you lived. That you lived with heart - not just passion - but love, concern and compassion. You learned to live without fear - to work hard, to take changes, to put your heart out at risk of being hurt, to serve, give and love not expecting anything in return. No, you were not perfect - you thought your hard work, your exercise, your fitness could make you immune to your narcolepsy. But it did not. Maybe a bit of fear would have helped. Maybe I wish you lived less in the moment and more in the long term - maybe I would still have you? But what is sure - you did not waste your life. It may have been short - to us for sure - but you lived fully each day. Good, bad, mistakes or successes - you lived. You lived fully to your Savior, fully to your family, fully to your friends - lived "heart out front, no fear to fall."

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived 

As a family - we would eat together, as a family at least on night a week. Often many times, but always on family dinner nights. I would cook, one of you kids would cook and we would sit down and just eat, talk and reacquaint. Life is so busy, so hectic, so fast. You miss a lifetime in a week. We would sit as five, talk as five, fight as five, love as five. We would share our High's and Low's during this time at a family meal. We would share truthfully what was working in our lives, and what was not. Vulnerability, eating and sharing then movies or a TV show. Malcolm in the Middle - all the episodes, Friends, Smallville, Everybody Loves Raymond, Modern Family, New Girl, and others we would share from start to finish. Time together, a movie, a meal, a show, a musical (to be discussed further later) gave us all such joy - just being five. That was family night.

Ian, thank you for your example. Thank you for showing me how to live, live with my "heart our front, no fear to fall." This type of vulnerability makes me scared. This type of intensity and engagement is hard. This selflessness is not natural. I am fearful, lazy and selfish. But your example helps me see the right way to live. Your memory inspires me to live this way. The hope to meet again spurs me on to love and good deeds. I do wish you had a bit more "fear to fall" - fear that would have kept you on your meds, fear that would have you pull over for a coffee or sleep on the side of the road, fear to not come home until later or the next day when refreshed. But your heart always outweighed your fear. You wanted to see your family. You were coming home. The fear did not figure in. I wish it did and you could be still here.

When Caylea heard the news - when she was able to compose herself - she said something so insightful. "Ian was ready!" You were. For you lived - "heart out front, no fear to fall." Why fear to give all, when your Savior has given you His all and promised you all - eternal life. Indeed, you continue to live "heart out front, no fear to fall" but now at Home. Can't wait to see you someday.

Love, 

Dad