I'm Dream'n of a "Sock Monkey" Christmas...

Ian,

I gave Mom a pair of sock monkey socks for Christmas this year. Mom is smart - you know that; highly perceptive - we all know that! and she immediately knew that these were no novelty gift, but a gift packed with significance and meaning. In addition to so many of our family's quirks and oddities, sock monkey's played a crucial role in our lives!

We first received a set of three sock monkeys from MawMaw and Poppee. They made the monkeys and gave these to us when you were just a toddler. These became part of the stuffty family that you, Caylea and Danny maintained. These were hugged, carried, stroller'ed and enjoyed. Stuffties were g loved, cherished and used to being threadbear by our family. I wish I had more pictures readily available of you and the monkeys as a child, but I know you remember the times with them very well.

Many of your stuffty family Max (Woodstock from Peanuts), David the bear, the iridescent beany dragon (forgot his name) and others were outgrown. But the sock monkeys reappeared with new purpose. They joined other monkeys to decorate the Play Room - our converted garage - hanging from the garage door tracks. Of course, they were often brought down for play, to be thrown at friends or just admired. 

When we made it to Texas, the sock monkeys too places of decoration in yours and Caylea's rooms - on shelves or dressers. The sock monkeys watched you grow up from a shy young kid to a robust, loud and gregarious teenager!

Our favorite sock monkey time was Christmas - especially visiting 38 1/2 street near Guadalupe in Austin. It was there we enjoyed "alternative Christmas lights" thrown up on houses, fences or yards - literally. We visited the stuffed animal petting zoo, stood in awe at Eddy Van Halen's two story Franken-strat guitar or a foil T-Rex. We walked along Obama Monopoly boards or saw red hot chili pepper Christmas lights. 

But our favorite was always the sock monkey nativity scene. Surrounded by sock monkeys as angels that were "heard on high," the sock monkey rendition of the Christmas family was unforgettable. You and I always rushed to see if it was still up year after year. We chuckled at the funny scene, marveled at the irreverence and were thankful we lived in Austin!!

As you prepared for graduation and leaving for A&M, and Caylea readied herself for junior year at UT, I found a cool set of sock monkeys for the family. Small keychain ready UT and A&M monkeys for you and C and two medium sized monkeys for the house. These were to remind mom and I that our youngest "monkeys" were off to change the world at their respective universities. I picked up an extra UT monkey for my office as well - it has flow thousands of miles with me for entrepreneurship training sessions as well.

So, starting A&M we had sock monkeys to remember you by as they sat near our Boss speaker in the living room. You put yours on your backpack and it went everywhere with you around A&M. I imagine it was to remind you of our family, our traditions and our love as only a sock monkey can.

I remember walking around campus with you - with "toys" dangling from your backpack - the sock monkey and the Chewbacca. Only you would have the confidence to be that unique, and link to your family's love of Star Wars, family traditions, yet transform these as you grew up at University. I may have been embarrassed at your age or hid them in my room. Not you - you wore your connections and history proudly. 

So, why the story?

Every December - for 6 long years - it has been hard to get my brain, my heart around your absence. My monkey is not here. Indeed, as the Pixie's sang, "this monkeys has gone to Heaven" indeed. Christmas, 38th 1/2 street, our traditions, your birthday are made heavy, sometimes impossible by the gapping space left in our lives. I really don't know why I wrote this blog except to relive silly, precious moments with you - times that I was reminded about via sock monkeys!

As your favorite individual performer, Stevie Wonder, (yes favorite band was the RHCP's!!) sang about "looking back" in "I Wish": 

I wish those days could come back once more

Why did those days ever have to go

I wish those days could come back once more

Why did those days ever have to go

'Cause I love them so

Jesus did not talk about sock monkeys; He did not wear socks! But I am reminded about one of his sayings about what His Kingdom will be like: 

Blessed are those servants whom the master finds on watch when he returns. Truly I tell you, he will dress himself to serve and will have them recline at the table, and he himself will come and wait on them. Even if he comes in the second or third watch of the night and finds them alert, those servants will be blessed!…Luke 12:37-38

Jesus promises that for those servants who are waiting and ready for their Master's return, he will actually serve them! You were ready; the Master came for you. Maybe one day you can tell me what these verses really mean since you are with Him now. I hope that I am ready and watching.

The truth is I miss you. I miss everything about you - from the joys to the frustrations. I miss you! Even sharing sock monkeys and sock monkey stories! 

Indeed, sock monkeys are still on our mantle at home. 

Indeed, your sock monkey is still with you on your backpack at home. 

Sock monkeys remind me of many smiles, fun, jokes and joys shared over 19 years. I need to be reminded of all these joys this time of the year. I am thankful for sock monkeys. So, yes, I dream of a "sock monkey" Christmas.

Love you Ian - missing you much,

Dad

What a Father Remembers ... or Why I Blog

Ian,

I remember one of your friends posted on the anniversary of your Going Home - that we should not make a saint out of you; you were not perfect - you had definite flaws. But he ended the post by point out that you always were working to be a better person, who wanted to make others lives better.

When I first read that post, I was frustrated. How could he say you were not a “saint?” Then I remembered two things - the first was the manner we all idolize and selectively remember the past - especially those who have gone Home before us; and second, yeah, he was correct. You were a good kid - but were also a pain and far from perfect!

Why is this important? You were not the only one that “was” or “is” a pain. You are a chip off this old block - the guy who is writing this blog. I remember growing up with the “Ten Commandment god” - you know, the one that was all about 100% compliance and 100% honesty. That god was disappointed with me ALWAYS. He could NEVER approve me. All my life before Christ (shoot, my life now!) is characterized by extreme inconsistency. Don’t get me wrong, I have good intentions and outcomes - but I lack the sustained self-discipline to ever fulfill one commandment consistently, let alone 10! And when I fail, I am full of excuses, rationalizations and lies to cover up my culpability. Yes, I am a mess. My excuses, apologies or regrets cannot remove a single sin or the consequences it produces. In my original mindset, this “god” is tasked to heap on the guilt, wait to execute judgment and certainly never really like me. 

But things have changed. I met the Father who corrected my view of God, well, of Himself. When I look at what our Father in Heaven remembers around His children - I see an encouraging pattern. In the pages of the Jewish and Christian Scriptures, there is an honest portrayal of messed up people. People you and I would know and feel comfortable with.

They were:

aspirational, but inconsistent;

hopeful, but faithless;

strong off the blocks, only to finish poorly sometimes.

God did not whitewash the truth or let anything slip His attention. He paints an accurate picture of each of us. You and I stand together - we are known fully and cannot change the truth by our intentions, smile or excuses. But what does He record in His eternal book? What does He remember about our lives?

In Hebrews 11, the writer summarizes the lives of the faithful from the Jewish Scriptures. This is interesting when you consider what the Holy Spirit actually brings to the writer’s mind to record. It seems to answer the question, “what does God the Father remember?”

For example, with Abram, the Father does not enumerate his lies - endangering his wife’s life; his faithlessness to God’s promise - bearing an illegitimate child; his repeat sins - showing he continued to be stumble over the same temptations and challenges. Abram was a mixed bag - the father of the faithful and a real disappointment. This makes Abram a real person - someone like us. But, here is what is interesting - in light of Abram’s uneven record, this is what God our Father remembers:

“By faith, Abraham, when called to go to a place that he would later receive as his inheritance - obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. … By faith, Abraham made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country… Abraham was looking forward to the city and foundations, whose architect and builder is God… From one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous a the starts in the sky… By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He embraced the promises…he reasoned that God could even raise the dead…” Heb. 11:8-12.

What the Father remembers are Abraham’s acts of faith, not his sins. He remembers when He got things right, not when he failed. He remembered his legacy, not his setbacks.  This is not an “exception” - the whole chapter is full of the “selective memory of God” as evidenced in what is recorded for Noah, Sarah, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, David, Moses, Rahab, the people of Israel, David, Samson, Samuel, and others. 

So, is God just ignoring reality, our sins, and is not serious about His righteousness? Nope, they are all captured and recorded as “history” in other chapters and verses. But something happens between the “recording” and the “remembering.” Although God hates sin, in His love He has put away sin from His people. He is not the “Ten Commandment god” demanding compliance and honesty always if we are to be accepted. He knows that we could never delivery this - it is just impossible! So Jesus did - He lived in total compliance, complete honesty then bore away our sins in His own body on the tree. In the atonement, God actually separates our sins from us as far as the East is from the West. This love that motivated Him to action to “covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8; see Prov. 10:12 too.

This is what makes grace - well - amazing!! This is what distinguishes the “chesed” love of God from our weak and temperamental love. The Father’s covenant, steadfast, loving-kindness delivers what one can call grace. It is a love that bears all things, believes all things, and endures all things. Even when faith and hope find their end, the Father’s love never fails. This is the love that He has shed freely on us by His Spirit; the love that covers our sin; the love seeks us out and reconciles us to Himself; this love adopts us into His family.

So, what do I as your father remember? I notice that I tend to remember positive, building and encouraging things. Am I looking at life through rose-colored glasses? No, I remember the bad times, the arguments, the frustrations, the disobedience, the discipline, the lies, loss of cars, the broken promises and other disappointments. But, I find my mind not dwelling on these things. My mind migrates and settles on positive memories. 

Is it just you? No, I find my mind staying on the positive memories for Danny and Caylea at well! Not the addiction, the losses, the conflicts, but the joys, togetherness, the future. Same goes for Mom and our imperfect relationship. I remember joy, togetherness, love, and forgiveness. Most of all I remember us - all five at home. Love indeed covers a multitude of sins.

I remember your smile, the giggly laugh, bear hugs and your smell, scratchy beard, kisses good morning and goodbye, the “I love you” in texts, on the phone or as we left each other. I remember you waking me up, standing over me as I slept, saying “Dad, I’m home!” (How I long to hear that again!) I replay the jabbering conversations, silly topics, the passions for the present and future, the arguing over values and actions as well as the celebrating of each other.

I do remember sad things. April 19th, 2013 - I re-live the news, reactions, the trauma. I remember the sadness especially as I travel and have more time on my hands. I relive April 18th - and my desire to change the past, intervene in some way to rescue you from the terrible outcome of the next day. I remember the days after April 19th and the sadness and loss. However, I remember the love of our family and friends, support we received, the amazing stories about your life, influence and impact. So, memories are a mix of positive and negative.

When not recalling 2013, what else do I remember?

I remember  

all five

at home

at camping

at church

at concerts

at sports

at play

with your Y’s

with Legos

with stufties                          

with games

with basketball, frisbee, football, wrestling, baseball

with video games, DDR, computers and boards

                     in the yard

                        around the fire pit

                        during sleepovers

                                                with shoes

                                                with jackets

                                                with hair

                                                with dogs

                                                with cats

                                                full of joy

                                                full of pride

                                                full of together

                                                full of hope

                                                full of future

The list just goes on and one. Preserving these memories is why do I blog. Mom asked me to capture memories so we can relive these together. So, many memories are captured in my blogs. So get ready to see more memories move from the ethereal to blogs - avocado seeds, caves, theme parks, activities with MJ&PG, at home, at TAMU, etc.

Bottom line, as I remember, it is the joy and hope that stands out and a desire to hang on to a memory and never let it go. But memories are limited - you in a bottle l bounded by time and the limitations of my mind. You are much more than I, or anyone, remember. We live in hope that memories are not “done” but put on hold until we reunite when we meet you again at Home. We have "embraced the promises…reasoning that God could even raise the dead…"

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see...And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:1, 6

“God grant us faith, renew our faith - for we are "of little faith." When the Son of Man returns may He finds faith in us. Please grant us confidence in the evidence of your promises in Your Word and in your revelation. We live in “tents” in the land of promise “looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.” The land is a desert and it is hard to see beyond the pain of today. Grant us assurance that although we do not see Ian, we will be reunited one day there. We are indeed strangers and foreigners in this land of time. We long for a “better country” - a “heavenly” one. Remember Your word, Your promises, Your Son. See us through Your loving memory. All our hope is in you, Father!”

Who Said You Hated CrossFit? - Ian and the "Murph"

 Ian,

Working out was something that we always shared. In California, we practiced baseball - pitching in the backyard, swinging and hitting from our porch to the small hills where the trees once were. This changed to basketball as your interests grew. Our cul-de-sac was perfect for a basketball court.

 A side story: I still remember Caylea’s cat Louie getting locked in her room when you were by yourself at home. Mom and I were out - I think in Sacramento - that day. (Louie had learned the fine art of jumping up on the handle, and using his feet to leverage his arms to open the handle. It was not a “one and done” thing, but it took many times.) Well, you called us saying you were hearing noises and someone was definitely in the house - you could hear them rattling the doors. We asked if Indy the dog was upset - and he was not. We suggested that you and Indy play basketball outside as Mom and I returned. We would check things out when we got home. We returned to you doing layups and shooting hoops with Indy all excited just to be with you. In the house, Louie was now out of Caylea’s room and walking freely around. Clearly the cat was the culprit. But it did show how safe it was to be at our home and road in CA.

When we moved to Texas, we continued to play basketball and added Ultimate to our repertoire. But as you entered High School and played football, lifting weights became a key activity. Lifting became a real touchstone for us and joy that we shared. It was not all giggles - lifting really messed up your basketball shot - note to self: never build for strength during basketball season - more on that in other blogs. You lifted at Anderson High School - impressing your football coaches and fellow players and putting the soccer players in awe. I think you were the strongest student on record per pound who was on the record board or not.

But I remember most is us lifting together at 24 hour gym for four years. We would rarely use the machines - it was free weights for you. It was impressive seeing you put up two 120 lbs dumb bells on the bench. Indeed, everyone watched and whispered as this “kid” maxed out the weights there! We did bar-bell bench, incline, decline and other exercises. But it was the leg presses and squats that you loved the most. Wow, you could “get low” as you took weight that I could not imagine on the bar. The bar would bend as you went down and exploded back up to standing position! So many memories as we would spend an hour or two a week together lifting, talking, laughing and just being together. Those were good days!

Lifting since you went “Home” has been tough. Returning to 24 hour gym is difficult and lonely. I have tried but it did not work well. I lifted some at home, but struggled with consistency. The best I did was take a kettlebell out on walks with the dogs and do workouts with it. That was odd, but it was a focused time and it worked! But it would only tone and not really build endurance or strength.

Danny is changing me though. He is going on 27 months sober. You would be so proud of him - his spirit, his work ethic, his professionalism, his commitment to change, his skills at family games and his socialization with good friends. A key part of this is healthy eating and exercise. He joined CrossFit City Limits over two years ago and has been a maniac ever since. He is so strong, so ripped, so fast - I think that I actually hate him now! He got me involved in crossfit this year - now after three months of consistency - I KNOW that I hate him! Doing work outs with people 20+ years younger than me is tough - but I am seeing results…in strength, in endurance, in physique. I am thankful for his encouragement and so excited to share this experience with my son!

The rumor has always been that since your focus became powerlifting and bulking up, that you would have hated crossfit. It was not “true” or “pure.” But as I finished my first “Murph” I realized something - you actually introduced me to crossfit principals and we did a “mini-Murph” before you went Home!

It was the Summer of 2011 and it was a Saturday. You were working at Starbucks and had the afternoon off. It was obviously hot - it is Texas - and you had this inspiration for a workout. Here is what you outlined:

1. Run 0.75 mile
2. Do 10 or 15 pull ups (can’t remember the number)
3. Do 25 to 50 push ups (can’t remember the number) 
4. Repeat 3 times

Well, as I faced my first “Murph” I saw some striking similarities:

1. Run 1 mile
2. Do 100 pull ups
3. Do 200 push ups
4. Do 300 air squats
5. Run 1 mile

Now, in our experience at home - we ran around our block which is basically 0.75 miles. You did the full number of strict pull ups and push ups. I did a “number” but it was definitely less than you. We repeated this - and after the second time - I was just wasted. You finished the third round and were exhausted too!!

So, as I was doing my 80% Murph on Memorial Day in 2018, I remembered this story - doing our “mini-Murph” together. I went over it in my mind as I ran the 1,200 meters - twice - and struggled through 80 pull ups, 180 push ups and 240 air squats. I shared this story with Danny after he finished his “full Murph” with a 20 lbs jacket on (yes, you and he are both maniacs!). His first comment was why you and I did not do air squats during our “mini-Murph.” I told him - I did not know. Danny said you would probably think “air squats are stupid.”

There is not more here to say - but I am thankful how working out can be something we still share. While I run, I think of how you taught me to run on my balls of my feet, to keep my feet short on the ground, to lean forward - all things they emphasize at crossfit. I think of you as I squat - Dad, go lower, keep looking up, don’t bow your back. You are on my mind as a deadlift, strict press, swing a kettle bell and struggle to do pull ups - yes still. You inspire me; you join with me. I am not alone as I sweat and want to quit. You are with me to encourage me with your memory, your smile, your laugh, your work ethic, your strength.

Life can be very long, grueling and had to keep going. Not having you with me can feel like a weight around my heels. But I remember the promise:

Why do you complain…my cause is disregarded by my God”?

Do you not know?
    Have you not heard?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
    the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
    and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary
    and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
    and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
    will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
    they will run and not grow weary,
They will walk and not be faint. (Is. 40-27-31).

I must be honest that I am weary, tired and weak. I often stumble and fall. I need to “hope in the Lord” and allow him to renew my strength - on the inside and the outside. In life and in crossfit, soaring, running and walking - consistently and to the glory of God is so important. So, please soar, run and walk with me as I try to be in shape, be a good steward of my body and my health, and honor your memory by doing things you would want me to do - even if it is crossfit.

Love you Ian.

Dad