We enjoyed the Smiths. I introduced them to Danny, Danny then to you and you back to me. Love the way music networks around, within our family.
Listening again, I recognized how the mixture of Morrissey's melancholy lyrics and joyful jangle of Johnny Mar's guitar illustrate the confusing mixture of emotions in maturing grief. This tension is odd, unnatural - but accepting the dissonance seems essential to continuing to live. This is a long, strange trip of ever changing emotional landscape - I still am hiking it. I wrote about the interplay between grief and hope over this past year - especially as your 4th anniversary of going Home approaches. Writing stuff helps me process feelings; Maybe it will help others too and provide support and understanding.
So, here are my songs: songs of the night and songs of the day (had to add in a little Phantom - you loved that!). Without further ado, strangeways, here we come!
One
There is nothing new here
A retooling of what has been said
Loss slows new memories
Clouds old ones
Therefore I must keep repeating
Say again what has been said
Go to the same places
Force my mind back
Walk with you again in the house
The driveway, the street
Watch the old TV shows and movies
Go to the haunts, play old games
Just stare at Bessy, pluck your bass
Listen to your songs
Remember your face
Should I be encyclopedic and focus on every detail
Or be empathetic and just feel
What if I loose a memory
What if one escapes
I fear loosing you again
But there is power in memory
To discover something new
A detail, an experience, a word
It is like seeing you again in my mind
Joy floods, conversations renew
Grief mitigated in memory
But for a minute -
But I will take that!
Two
The thumping and popping on a bass
The strumming and picking of a guitar
The sampling and sounding of tunes
I hear voices in our house today
The sharing and telling of stories
The debating and pressing of opinions
The laughter and giggling of family
I hear play outside our home today
The dribbling and leaping with a ball
The running and catching of the disc
The pressing and pushing of the weights
I hear silence in our home today
The ringing and singing slowly stops
The talking and texting tappers away
The bouncing and bounding becomes still
Space unoccupied
Energy trapped in inaction
Pause, peculiar quiet
Loneliness and yearning
I feel hope surging once again
A promise made, a promise kept
A place missing, reunion coming
A home empty, a mansion full
Three
Living and dining room entertainment
Bessy blends notes with effortless slide
Fretless resonance through rounded strings
A Bugera booming with Big Muff fuzz
Hefty Trace Elliots transport and elevate
Tele snaps and twangs in spite of distortion
The Tak discovers a dropped D melody
Bass and guitar groove and blend together
Dancing in intertwined melody
Amplified strings as surrogate voices
United in sound, rhythm and heart
Such was our music, such was our song
Four
Four years
126,230,400 seconds
2,103,840 minutes
35,064 hours
1461 days
48 months
4 years
How is it possible?
Answer my text, take my call
Just come home
Silence just silence
Worst fear realized
Deep, lifelong wound
Joint out of socket
Straining to breath
Just to survive
Realize and rationalize
Hope to believe, believe to hope
Take trembling steps
Learning to walk again
Find a sort of balance
With a lifelong limp
Time itself is hard
Everything reminds me of you
Time we spent together
What we missed
Time is not enough
231 months
1007 weeks
7053 days
169,272 hours
10,156,320 minutes
609,379,200 seconds
Don't get me started about
Awaiting your arrival
Cuddling as a baby
Legos as a child
School, pretend, action figure
Xbox, Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh
School, projects, cars and girls
Too much to remember
But hungrily grasp at each frame
Hanging out at home
Riding together in a car
Playing in the yard
Grabbing Chick-fil-A
Working out
Jamming on guitars
Singing at church
Playing in a band
Discussing life's mysteries
Finding truth
Laughing
Falling asleep watching a movie
Running in the rain
A song, lyric, muscle roller, trip to Sam's, a chord
Shakes me from balance and I fall again
Feel the break, the rip and the tear
I limp more obviously
The wound bleeds
Hope cannot be found here
Amid dirt and flesh
Too weak, too fragile,
All starts but to end
Hope springs not from change, adaptation
Nor from gradually getting used to your absence
All is still interrupted
The wound reopens
Hope springs beyond these stars
Beyond myself
Through wood and nails
A folded cloth
A herald's song
Conviction from the bones
I am Jacob
I walk with a limp
Yet I know His Name
I am graced by His blessing
I will meet you again
You and He both
Where end meets beginning
Love you E,
Dad
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