Jesus and grief - musings on John 11 and 12

(Feel free to read or pass over - up to you. These are some meditations on God's character and Ian going home - God's perfect will, His goodness, His sovereignty and an event according to my calendar quite premature, heart and dream crushing, one making life a fog of "what if's...". Tackling the issues from different angles over time. Sometimes raw, sometimes preachy, always seeking.)
Jesus faces grief or living for God's glory and ...

The "and ...", all other idols, pursuits, desires and people, die with John 11:4, 25 and 12:27-29. Even the life of self or life of one we may love cannot be above the pursuit of God's glory (Luke 14:26-27; John 12:25). Obviously, if this is true for life's blood, everything less than life itself must kneel at the feet of God's glory as well. In God's pursuit and jealousy over His own glory, seeing His holiness loved and delighted in, His will and Kingdom come and be done in time and space, is He callus in this request for his greater glory? Life's grief may argue "yes", but a look into these context around the same scriptures cited above argues an emphatic "NO!" Jesus models how to live in the tension, the internal fight, the suffering associated with submitting under God's mighty hand and pursuing the Father's glory. In doing so, He experiences loss, great loss, in this focused pursuit. The modeling of Jesus in John 11 with the sisters and Lazarus himself, battling internally in John 12, as well as Isaiah 53, 2 Cor. 1, Heb. 2 and 4 and other passages argue that He understands and suffers with us through any loss - allowed by the sovereign will of God and fitted for His greater glory. God promises to unite all that is His in His eternal Home (John 14, 1 Cor. 15, Rev. 22, etc) giving us not only hope but an eternal inheritance in Christ (1 Peter 1:1-9cf; Titus 3:4-7).

In John 11, Jesus was angered with the situation presented, experienced grief (mingling of loss, anger and hope) and wept when the death of his friend and grief of his friends screamed out the incongruity inherit in human experience. This clash of temporal termination, the unknown of eternal promise and hope leads us to seek to reconcile temporal suffering with God's will and eternal glory. There Jesus stood, knowing that he was going to raise Lazarus, knowing it would be "okay." But at the tomb He felt the loss, He experienced the angst, saw the suffering death brings and He wept. He just wept with the sisters. He weeps with me. Jesus cooperated with His Father's design, suffered through the process and then illustrated the reality of the future resurrection on the last day by bringing Lazarus forth from the grave, spirit, soul, and body. This victory was short-lived for Lazarus would die once more (no doubt with greater faith, hope and expectancy the second time compared with the first time!) - but ultimately pointed to God's purpose, power and the linking of His glory to our resurrection giving us true eternal hope in the midst of the inevitable loss we will face.

In John 12, Jesus was troubled In His heart as He faced His own suffering and death - wanting it to pass. The time had come for Him to be glorified in His atoning work and the Father to be glorified in His Son's obedience and accomplishment (see John 12:28; John 17). But this meant His death - first to His own desires, will and plans - to lose His life and become like the grain of wheat planted in the ground to die to its present form and purpose. Then, in hating His own life, seeing life reborn as the seed does as it grows into a plant yielding an eternal harvest of multiplied fruit. Jesus was grieved no doubt by a premature death, facing the prospects of extreme physical suffering, but mostly facing the sin bearing and the separation from God in His sacrificial death as He entered the Garden ( Mark 14:32-42).

We see Jesus in John 12 weighing the options - to implore deliverance from suffering, grief and loss or submit under God's mighty hand to see His glory revealed and Name exalted. Boldly and triumphantly He cries to the Father in faith and against every human bent, and no doubt feeling every human trepidation, "Glorify Your Name!" God answers His Son that He has glorified His Name in the life of the Son thus far and will continue to glorify it further in His death. This crowned the ministry of Jesus with God's seal of approval - not that Jesus needed to hear this - but people around Him did. In this humble submission to the Father, "God highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father (Phil. 2:9-11). Jesus again models the self denial, the submission to God seeking God's glory above all and points to the eternal hope we have in Him experienced now and throughout eternity.

Further, as predicted in Isaiah 53 and interpreted in Heb. 2:10 cf and 4:14-16, Jesus bore our griefs, sorrows, sicknesses, weaknesses, needs, aloneness, separation, judgement, sufferings, temptations, anguish, guilt, transgressions, sin, rebellion, chastisement, punishment, death, burial. He bore all in life and death.

He shared in all these with us and redeemed us along with all this! Heb 2:14cf. He delivered those destined to die, fearful of death and under the devil's power through His substitutionary, sacrificial death and His triumph over the grave. He now leads us forward as His spoil to present to His Father as His poema, His treasures and masterpieces, "so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus." Eph. 2:7 (2 Cor. 2:14-16; Eph. 2: 7, 10). He has made us his captives and continues to lead us along in Christ's triumphal procession. Now he uses us to spread the knowledge of Christ everywhere, like a sweet perfume. 2 Corinthians 2:14

God understands the price, the confusion, the grief, no doubt the anger that accompanies the pursuit of His glory above all else - and He provides living pictures of how to bear up under the weight of His mighty hand, to cast all cares on Him and believe Him good and caring even when the life experiences that yields His highest glory are costly, painful and scaring (Jesus bore the scares of His obedience even after the resurrection). Jesus models the greater value of pursuing God and His glory above all other pleasures, idols or pursuits - over the life of one He loves, even over His own life - and God's faithfulness to meet Him there, be with Him there, glorify His Name in the situations, raise Him from the dead to sit at His reigning side and thus provide concrete evidence for the Hope He offers to those who love Him.

...As it is written, “What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him”— these things God has revealed to us through the Spirit. For the Spirit searches everything, even the depths of God. 1 Cor. 2:9-10

Jesus' goal was clearly to grow faith in His disciples (John 11:14), Martha and Mary (John 11:25-26, 40), and those following Him from more of a distance (John 12:30-32). Faith is that tether that connects us to God's power that insures our salvation and our sharing in the eternal inheritance promised to us (1 Peter 1:3-6). The trials of life are purposed to strengthen and purify this Faith such that it produces praise and glory to God upon Jesus' return (1 Peter 1:6-7). This perfection of faith is God's focus, not our ease or happiness. This type of faith sees, trusts, loves and tenaciously hangs on to Christ even though He is not visible and sometimes His purposes are unclear and the pathway foggy (1 Peter 3:8-9). Bearing this deep, lasting faith in the Savior is His goal and unto our salvation. This was Jesus' purpose bearing grief of the loss of the one He loved and releasing His own life to God's care - it is still His purpose now - to bear saving and lasting faith in us, purify it to be only on Himself and lead us home.

So, are all our desires, goals, this world, those we love or seek to live, even our own lives not compatible with the glory of God and thus must be abandoned? Certainly some of these "and's ..." are sin and must be laid aside or fled from. But are all the "and's..." evil? Not all are sin, as we are called to love our wives, children, other believers as Christ loves them, we are to work as God calls us to, to rule over the world and work with God to see that it comes under His submission. But compared to with our love for God, love for these precious ones and important things needs to be like hate in comparison. (Luke 14:26-28). The key appears to be seeking God's glory supremely and our associated joy "in" all these things, people and goals. Not treat these people and things as a means for joy, a source for our own glory or fulfillment, or hold them as idols seeking to serve and please them above God (fear of man). As Dane Ortland writes in his book about Jonathan Edwards, “True joy derives not from God and job, family, sex, friends, food, rest, driving, buying a home, reading a book, drinking coffee — but from God in these things. . . . Every taste of beauty in this world, from the roar of waterfalls to the chatter of birds to the richness of true friendship to the ecstasy of sexual experience, is a drop from the ocean of divine beauty. Every pleasure is an arrow pointing back to him. Joy is from, and only finally in, God”.

We are to glorify God in all things (1 Cor. 10:31; Col. 3:17). With this purpose and mindset, Jesus could find joy and glorify God as a carpenter, in temptation, in secluded prayer, serving the ever present multitudes, discipling His apostles, eating and drinking, teaching and arguing and ultimately dying and resurrecting. God confirmed His pleasure in Jesus through His presence and declaration at Jesus' baptism, on the Mount of Transfiguration, in the John 12 experience, by the empty tomb and Jesus' ascension to sit at the right hand of God in heaven. We should live as Jesus did - present in life - yet seated in heavenly places under the face of our loving, merciful and sovereign Father. Nothing is sacred or secular - all can and should be lived unto His glory as we stand and walk through life. We see and seek God and His glory in all things, at all times.

 

I don't know why I chose this picture. 

I guess it reminds me of Ian so much - crazy face, smile, 

a guitar, laughs, family, joy, hope, dreams, normal,

the five of us, on and on. 

How to deal with the lack of you? I keep praying and seeking.

John 11 REAP

READ
Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” John 11:40

EXAMINE
How does God's sovereignty work with His divine compassion and love?
How does God respond to death?
How should man respond to death?

The story in John 11 appears to shed light on these questions. Jesus knows these issues intimately when He receives word of his friend Lazarus' illness; He knows that it's God's will that Lazarus will die and that in this death God's glory will be revealed and purposes accomplished.

When Jesus heard it, he said, “This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” John 11:4

How hard must it have been to stay back and not run to the aid of his friend. How difficult was it to believe the Father, and "be too late". How difficult was it to help his closest friends to gain the slightest inkling of the reality of the situation and what He was planning to do. How alone must Jesus felt as He approached Bethany knowing the responses awaiting him from the beloved sisters. Did He fear coming to the town knowing that Lazarus would not be there to meet him, feeling the yawning hole left by his absence, approaching a place that was fundamentally different than the place of friendship and home he had known? Did He feel responsible for this loss - only He could have averted it - but He obeyed the Father instead and death grabbed another victim. The questions of the sisters - full of sadness, struggling to trust but still accusatory. "Didn't love him? Don't you love us? Are you who You say You are? Has our faith, commitment and friendship been in vane? You healed others, why NOT your close friend, our precious brother, Lazarus?"

Martha (and Mary later) said to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." John 11:21

How great the damage death causes. The enveloping nature of grief was consuming in Lazarus' family and friends, and the pain of His close friends filled him with anger, frustration and the desire to remove death from its pre-eminent word regarding human life. But before that could be done, Jesus felt the loss, the gap left by death, the personal and corporate pain, the sadness of death and the damage it leaves in its wake. He felt the cost deeply to pursue God's glory above all other things - including what His own will may be.

The loss was felt, the gapping hole left but Lazarus' absence was seen, and the emotions cascaded in His heart. And Jesus wept for His loss, for their loss, for the loss caused by the Fall, for all who suffered loss since the beginning. He was a "man of sorrows well acquainted with grief" (Is. 53:3). He felt their, our, His suffering deeply. Jesus learned once again that seeking God's glory can come at a cost and must be pursued with single-mindedness and an undivided heart. No doubt this experience solidified His resolve to see His mission through and destroy death by His own death.

APPLY
Grief hurts! One misses the physical presence, the hugs, the voice, the smile, funny faces, the laughs, the time spent together, and a thousand other things large and small alike. Simultaneously, the grieving one is also doomed to miss what will not be shared from now on due to death and be haunted by the memories that are left behind - but to these we must hold on to!  These secondary losses hurt deeply and reopen wounds that we think are long since healed. Jesus - felt these losses. He saw the loss in the eyes, responses and the pleading of the sisters. The cries, the presence and grief of the friends moved Him - He was Lazarus' friend too! As He approached the place where His friend lay, He felt the loss acutely. It drove Him to shed tears. The secondary losses no doubt played on His mind as He missed the normal interaction He and Lazarus shared. He was in Bethany, with the sisters - but all was incomplete for Lazarus was not there. I know this pain - I miss Ian's presence every day; I miss all our plans, all I want to share with him; I miss him more with every memory conjured by place, picture, song, smell, friend's visit or food taste. These losses drive me to shed tears.

This Scripture answers the question of how can God be both sovereign and compassionate. Jesus understood the purposes of God - that Lazarus must die and not be rescued from death. Jesus understood that the purpose would bring glory to God and Himself as the Son of God. This brought Him both joy ... and pain - for He felt the pain that this purpose caused Lazarus, His friends, and Himself - Jesus. He was troubled deeply by this pain and loss; He was angered by what death had stolen from Him, from His friends, from all men. He wept with His friends; He wept over the loss and the pain it caused. But Jesus could feel this pain deeply and maintain His joy for He knew that the ultimate purpose was that Lazarus' death would bring glory to His Father - for Lazarus had merely "fallen asleep" - He was not permanently dead, accidentally dead - but died according to God's will and plan and to aphis glory. God had other ideas for Lazarus and all believers beyond death. As Martha said rightly, he would be raised again on the last day to eternal day (Lazarus would have to die a second time to realize this!). Lazarus was not done, finished or lost in death - but asleep, to be roused back to life by the word of the Savior. We likewise are not lost in death, but merely sleep for likewise we will be raised from the dead.

This plan  was for Lazarus' good, his sisters' good, his friends' good, and the good for all the Jews (and the world). Jesus would display His glory before all of these people and raise Lazarus. The sister's and Lazarus - got an "easy out" as Jesus raised him 4 days after death. But Lazarus died once more and waits as we do for the final, triumphant resurrection at the end to days. I not think it was on accident that Jesus used the name "Lazarus" to illustrate The profound realities about death. The experience of the real man Lazarus in death acts as a commentary to this haunting story. Lazarus' death as a believer was greeted by being "...carried by the angels to Abraham's side." (Luke 16:22). Abraham's bosom is the illustration of dwelling prepared by Christ for the faithful in God's presence. This transition from earthly suffering to eternal bliss was immediate and decisive (see the converse translocation of the rich man's soul to hell upon death as further evidence). Lazarus' body may sleep awaiting the shout of the returning Christ and trumpet of God to signal bodily resurrection 1 Cor. 15cf), but his spirited was immediately "home" upon death. We pray that as Ian "fell asleep" his spirit awoke in the arms of this same Jesus and is with him now awaiting the fulfillment of time to be reunited with his body again in the New Heaven and New Earth.

I am faced with a similar "pickle" as Jesus - I know that Ian's passing was according to God's sovereign purpose and to the ultimate glory of God - but it hurts like hell! But I know that it is also for our good and joy for Jesus will raise Ian. Ian is already with Jesus - being absent from the body, he is present with the Lord. He will raise Ian's body reuniting him with his spirit when He returns. We can be confident that this His promise is true.

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?” John 11:25-26

Therefore we can implore Jesus as John and Paul did, "Come Lord Jesus" - "He who testifies to these things says, “Surely I am coming soon.” Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!" Revelation 22:20; "If anyone has no love for the Lord, let him be accursed. Our Lord, come!" 1 Corinthians 16:22.

PRAY
Lord, I don't understand Your purposes - but I must trust that each is right yielding Your glory and for our good and joy. Pursuing Your glory above all else - even the life of one I love -is terribly hard. I feel the grief from Ian's loss - both the primary and secondary losses - he is missed at every turn. I shed tears, many tears, for him, for my family, for our loss. I know that You not only have Your purposes and insure that they are brought to reality, but You feel this grief, this loss with us. Jesus has walked this pathway before with His people - walk with us Oh Christ!

According to Your Word, Your promise and Your Son's experiences, we believe You have Ian secure in Your arms and have promised to redeem him/us completely making us anew in Your new heaven and earth. Teach me to embrace Your sovereignty, pursue Your glory first and foremost and believe in the reality of Your compassion and presence with us. Lord, I implore You - come and come quickly - demonstrate Your Lordship to and over all, receive the glory due Your name, and let's get on with this full redemption thing. I am ready. As I wait, I ask that I might bring You glory in all my words and deeds. In the Name of Your Son Jesus who is coming for His people, Amen.

Superheroes, Comics, and Midnight Movies

Ian,

Midnight movies - that is one of our family's longest traditions. See a "hot" movie first, before our friends, with all the pomp and circumstance possible, to talk about it first a school or work - that was awesome! It all started with Star Wars I - if I remember correctly. Danny and friends were allowed to leave school early in Vacaville and hold us a place at the cinema to get seats. You could buy the seats early, but seating was on a "first come basis." With Vacaville having the only really good theater between the Bay Area and Sacramento, Brendon Theaters was always packed for good movies. The lines would often form around the large building by the evening - so getting there early for seats, and good seats was imperative. So, making a parenting compromise - all day at school, or good seats, presented a challenge. Not really, we chose the seats.

Danny led the charge - joyfully - providing an example of holding seats, place in line - and of course no school. With the continuing release of the Star Wars pre-trilogy, the Harry Potter Series, Lord of the Rings to Star Trek, more midnight movies ensued. Folding chairs, umbrellas, large sports fold out tents - all were commonly used depending on weather - sun, rain, or chill. You were in elementary school, often early grades, staying up ridiculously late with us to catch a first glimpse of the movie de jure. Okay, the next day at school, work, etc was difficult - but the time and memories - priceless.

I remember two occasions vividly. You and Caylea joined Taylor and Danny to wait for a movie - each out of school around noon. You guys played D&D all afternoon and through the night. Mom and I would check in various times, but the smiles and giggles, were obvious. As long as you had food, soda, multi-sided dice and an imagination, time just flew by. You were such big kids! I think it got cold that evening and we all bundled up to await the time we could leave the elements and take our seats. Another midnight show, Danny was working Pizza Pucks and was busy delivering food fare to the waiting hoards. It was raining and we all had to bundle under big sports umbrellas and maybe the tent. It was windy, cold-ish (for CA) and rainy. We huddled together and made our way slowly to the front of the line and into the warmth and dry of the building. I could go on with more details, but the memories of Danny swooping in and out with pucks, the huddling, the laughing and the look on your face - you knew that we trusted you, you were a big boy, you were part of the "gang!"

You should have known that you were part of the "gang" already, Danny's friends fought over you for team play in the all night Halo extravaganzas and you played D&D with Taylor, Laine, Danny and Caylea each week. Indeed, you were always part of the gang! Cool from the start. Even when you were the only one left in High School and Danny and Caylea were out in College and working, you were integral to the gang. For example, in Austin, we waited for the last Harry Potter Movie. (Note: we could never get you to read the books - I even read most of the books. You read other books freely, but not Harry Potter. Why? So you expressed confusion, comments and critiques of the movies freely, but these were never taken seriously by our family - you did not read the books! But that did not stop the confusion, comments and critiques - they kept coming!) We waited for the movie - not outside - too many theaters in the Austin area, but inside and we played and had a great time pretending you and Danny were Voldemort and Harry - wands aloft in battle. Caylea and her friends dressed up for the event, Josh came in from CA, and there you are with the silly face in the pictures. Always silly, always making us laugh. 

Each movie series was followed by our eager attendance - but with the advent of Marvel Comics-based movies, we moved from a "series" or trilogy to a "super-series" composed of movies similarly themed, filled with all sorts of characters, but all with the same "comic" in common. These became our specialty. They started when we were in Vacaville with X-Men, Spiderman, Hulk and others. The first we saw in Austin was X-Men: Last Stand - I think. The difference again in Austin was no real lines to wait compared with CA. We could get to the theater at 9-10 PM and get a seat. Yes, Mom and I often dropped you and Caylea off to hold seats for us. We were that type of parents. Disappointingly, no more missed school!!!

The picture at the front of this letter tells our Marvel Comic movie story. Not all seen as midnight movies, but most!!! Some viewed in Austin, some in Vacaville, some via videos (old Superman and Batman for example). Nevertheless, we were seriously committed to the Marvel franchise: >30 movies watched, often owned and watched repeatedly. There we are as a family, in the middle. They certainly were not the ONLY midnight movies we saw, DVDs watched or purchased - but they were the cornerstone of our experience - awaiting the next addition to our super-series of movies.

I remember after watching the first Spiderman and again after the last one, you went on and on about the similarities and departures from the comic book series. I never saw you reading comics - basketball cards, some novels, music books, but comics? But you did have several Spiderman collections. The availability of the internet to also educate you was never lost - you always became an expert!!! The conversations, the assertions, the pontifications, the arguments, the complaints, the excitement, the laughing, the enjoyment - filled our movie times. It never helped that as you became sleepy, you became more and more talkative - was that even possible??? I guess it was to keep you awake. In our Austin house, if we saw you get a blanket and settle in front of the TV in the Pogue Common Room, we knew you were going to be out for the count quickly. Loved watching you sleep - from a wee small boy, spread out with covers barely on you, a young boy in your "big boy" bed, to a man, hairy, bristly whiskers, curled up in a blanket of quilt on the floor. Miss those days - every day.

So, the collage picture at the beginning - why? Danny and I were in NYC on this Thanksgiving weekend and saw the Marvel Superhero picture on the girder when we were near Wall Street. It was perfect. It is based on the famous "lunch on a girder" picture pasted below it. I love the creative way the artist drew similarities and differences between these iconic pictures and characters. The Hulk considers the newspaper or whatever the Flash is reading as the old picture photo, but then Spiderman and Venom are hanging below - possibly in pre-battle poise. Why sit when you can switch on a web? Classic! This Marvel Superhero scene would be a poster you would love, hang up, talk endlessly about. Danny has the poster - in his room. Fitting. Reminds us both of great memories, great times had with a great brother and a wonderful son.

While in NYC, we used and discussed a map I found online detailing the locations of famous comic places - you would love this too. Posted it on your FB. You would actually recognize its references better than me! It would be the way you would see the City.

The movies listed around the pictures of the Superheros and the men on the girder started as just a list - what did we see at the theaters, videos, DVD, midnight shows, etc. It became clear that this was one of OUR things as Pogue's - midnight movies, Marvel Comic-based movies and all the joy associated. Why was this important, special? This was our time as a family - we could be busy with activities, in different cities, states, places in our lives, moods, attitudes, relational issues, friends, etc. - but we always came together, to watch movies, midnight movies, Marvelous movies - together.

I snagged this picture at the Alamo Drafthouse after the credits. The Avengers finished their first task together as a team. It was harrowing; it was dangerous; it was exhausting and they all settled down to eat Sharma as suggested by Iron Man, Tony Stark. It had been a hard day; they were at each others throats at times, but they bonded together and won the day. Life has not always been easy for us Pogues. None of us are perfect, all have issues, but this illustrates us to me - we always come together, maybe not over Sharma - more likely over Taco More or G'Raj Mahal - but we come together, to eat, to watch, to love - to be with each other. This is why Thanksgiving is SO bloody hard now. We are not all together. Being even "half" or "all but you" together only makes the reality of your absence more profound, and hard to handle. I know this is hard on our extended family too. It is hard living without you!

Life may be full of highs and lows. We would recount each personal "high" and "low" to a person over every weekly family meal. Have not done that for over 19 months. I cannot wait to gather together as a family again - celebrate, laugh, cry, rejoice in being once again together, and thankful that God has ferried us all Home by His grace. That will be the ultimate "High!"

"Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb." Rev. 19:9

But we are citizens of heaven, where the Lord Jesus Christ lives. 

And we are eagerly waiting for Him to return as our Savior.  

He will take our weak mortal bodies and change them into glorious bodies 

like His own, using the same power with which He 

will bring everything under His control. Phil. 3:20-21

Love you "E",

Dad

Inked

Ian,

Family traditions...everyone has them; we have many of them. Family midnight movies, Christmas ornaments, family meal night, "High, Low's", "The Grinch" movie while putting up the tree, silly nicknames for each other, and on and on. Why? I think it is because repetition cements in our mind memories, relationships, and events. We are always on each other's mind and we never forget each other as time passes. I reflect on memories and pictures around these traditions, especially as the holidays accelerate toward us once again. I can't help thinking of you. 

I think of you
I haven't slept
I think I do
But I don't forget
My body moves
Goes where I will
But though I try my heart stays still
It never moves
Just won't be left
And so my mouth waters to be a fate
And you're always in my head

One family tradition that we started, that you never joined, is the family tattoo. Danny started it - asking on his 19th birthday for me to share a tattoo with him. That was a tough decision - growing up in conservative Texas - tattoos were viewed as questionable at best, sin at worst. However, as I prayed about it, God showed me that He has a tattoo: 

But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me,
    the Lord has forgotten me.”

 “Can a mother forget the baby at her breast
    and have no compassion on the child she has borne?
Though she may forget,
    I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
    your walls are ever before me. (Isaiah 49:14-16)

Israel thought that God had forgotten them as they sat in exile. God's answer to their complaint was clear and a bit surprising - a mother may forget her baby, even a baby at her breast, but God would never forget His people. He engraved them; He had tattooed them on the palms of His hands - His children were never out of His sight, always in His head.

So I learned that sharing a tattoo with our children was an act of love -  walking as God did - keeping our children always on our minds, praying for them, communicating with them, being there for them. So, Danny and I share a Calvin and Hobbs tattoo (reminding us of our relational "roles" illustrated by his favorite cartoon). Indeed, we can never forget each other for we are engraved in each other's skin. 

Tattoos became a family tradition as Mom and Caylea shared a shoulder tattoo - inked at our then family tattoo parlor Southside Tattoo on Congress Ave. You were up next to continue the tradition. You always liked the piercing stuff - three earrings per ear at one time - you doing most of the piercings yourself! You were to suggest the tattoo; we were going to agree; then we would share a single tattoo as a family. But you would never decide on a tattoo. When you did discuss one, it was a nebulous thought of a fruit tree over the seasons with live and dead fruit. Hard to figure out (liked to the fruit of the spirit and bearing fruit for God), but none of the rest of us wanted a fruit tree inked on us. So, we sent you back to the drawing board and you would never come up with another idea.

Got a tattoo, said "together thru life"

Carved in your name with my pocket knife

And you wonder when you wake up will it be alright

Feels like there's something broken inside

After you went Home, Mom was the first to ink you into her skin. The delicate cross with "e" on her wrist is simple, but breathtaking.  Caylea and Danny follow up with their own versions - moving from Southside to True Blu and CRTNZ. Danny desiged a work of art with a friend taking your idea of a tree through the seasons and combining it with him throwing you a disc and you laying out to catch it separated by the tree trunk. Caylea, Mom and CRTNZ designed Caylea a dove carrying a dove off a flower with four other flowers, each with five petals, carried in the wind. Mom and my flowers have lost a petal blowing separately in the swirling air. We lost more than what any symbol can recognize!

All I know   

All I know  

 Is that I'm lost   

In your fire below 

All I know  

 Is that I love you so   

So much that it hurts

My turn. We shared many things, sports, food, restaurants, laughs, movies, but mostly music. What to share in ink? I wanted a way to share the "guitarist Psalm" and your bass in some way. Mom and CRTNZ designed a beautiful picture. Taking the shape of the amazing picture of you with your bass, they replaced you with a cross (matching the style of the cross on Mom's wrist) and hanging your MusicMan on it with Psalms 43 behind in Mom's wonderful handwriting.

Got a tattoo and the pain's alright   

Just want a way of keeping you inside

Gotta say, the pain was good. In some way the pain was a catharsis - channeling emotional pain into skin. CRTNZ reproduced guitar - looks just like the MusicMan: the strap, the pickguard, the whole bass - I feel like you are always with me. Your MusicMan, that gift that left you in tears of joy, the bass you played around the house, at church, in clubs, away at A&M, is always with me. 

The verse is one we shared, discussed and agreed as the "guitarist Psalm." It expressed why we play, why we played in Kids, why we wanted to keep playing. It was the prayer we shared to approach our God, dwell with Him, offer our best to Him.

Send out your light and your truth;
    let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy hill
    and to your dwelling!
Then I will go to the altar of God,
    to God my exceeding joy,
and I will praise you with the lyre,
    O God, my God. (Psalms 43:3-4)

I realize that God was preparing me, preparing us for this most painful transition. He did lead you into the place where He dwells, to live with Him, to abide in Him. No doubt you are busy playing and praising our God now. But, I miss you.

I see the road begin to climb 

I see your stars begin to shine 

I see your colours and I'm dying of thirst 

All I know   

Is that I love you so 

So much that it hurts

I am inked. I bear you in my skin. All I know, you are not forgotten, not forsaken; Your walls are ever before me. You dwell with our God, our exceeding joy. I think of you always...

And you're always in my head 

 ...

All I know

Is that I love you so

So much that it hurts

Love you "E",

Dad

Credits:

Coldplay "Always in My Head"

Coldplay "Ink"

HAIR!!!! - Head, facial and otherwise...

Ian,

You have always had a bit of an "obsession" problem - keys, jackets, stufties, your "Y", Lego people, basketball, Frisbee, the guitar, the bass, the stand-up bass, working out, work out schedules and routines, and the list goes on for things that commanded your focus. But your longest lasting obsession has been with your hair, on your head, facial and otherwise...

You started with very little hair. Really, just a sprinkling of red/brown silky hair and it took a while for your legendary "mop" to grow. You poised as a one year old with B.J. showing off your highly styled, yet thin do!

Your first haircut was when you were about two. Mom carefully cataloged the historic event in your Baby book, saving your first cut locks as a reminder of that precious time - you as a baby. You enjoyed a sucker as a reward for being a good boy, sitting still for the cut.

As a youngster, you were letting your hair just grow and it did not seem to have a particular style.

But all this changed as you went into elementary school at Browns Valley. Doing your hair was a PRIORITY - I mean style and perfection were pursued and time or product were not limits. Look at these amazing styles - all in pursuit of that perfect look! Gotta love the spiked bangs.

Junior high in Austin at Brentwood produced more inspiration. You had grown your hair very long. We kept wondering why and then it was presented that you were doing so to get a Mohawk cut - not just a small one, but a dramatic, sky high, true punk Mohawk. I remember the cut - the questions the stylist asked. "Are you sure?" "No removal of length?" "Can you style this yourself?" And your answers were clear and confident: "Yes; No; Yes!" Mom was out of town when the you got your Mohawk, but was coming home the next day. We worked hard, to get the hair pasted high and in full punk style. You complimented the "do" with a suit - had to look awesome for your Mom. Nothing was ever too good for her! You initiated a process for us to make signs that we could greet Mom with at the airport - she would come down the escalator to see your Mohawk and your loving, creative signs. (Note the amazing artwork!)

You went to Brentwood one day with the Mohawk. We fixed it up, taking an amazing amount of time that morning and product to get it to stand up. This left all three of us exhausted. Your friends thought you had gone overboard, become wild, and may be a questionable character. This really hurt you - deeply. That a hairstyle, something you thought was unique and fun, would influence how people saw you deeply affected you. You insisted to go to the stylist again and have the Mohawk removed. I was very sad seeing it cut off. Not that the hair meant anything really, but it was something you planned, worked and waited to grow, something you were very proud of, something that you were hurt deeply about. It was always hard to see you sad and hurt. No dad want's his kids to hurt. But it was cut, and you walked out with a buzz! Still an amazing good looking guy. I think this taught you that you really looked good regardless of your hair length and style. High School would prove this to be true.

It was as you came into High School that hair expanded in meaning - peach fuzz became whiskers with sideburns and beard were not far behind. You were that kid - who looked older than you were, who looked cool with hair styles for the entire noggin. Women at Starbucks making passes at a high school kid. Ask Amy and Mom about that story - classic!

You also began to build the bouncy, poofy, hairdo - that messy look that is so signature.

 Honestly, it was a see-saw, from long and poofy, to short and highly stylish.

But when a special event presented itself, you would insure that your hair was perfect - just like you did when you were five! Love this picture with you and Serina before Prom! What good lookin' kids!

Funny thing, most have "a" style. You had that ability to make any look - cool. You sent this picture from A&M asking Mom, "Do I look like a 70's porn star?" you texted - well, kinda.

At Texas A&M, you migrated from a short stylish look to the long, poofy - if only longer in length - Troy Polamalu, hair.

Your Road Trip with Terry produce many memorable pictures you texted to us - your hair and beard became genuine works of art - providing a story and atmosphere to the scenes the two of you would see. Love this picture at an interesting store in Louisiana. As a barista, you would know the power and quality of coffee. Clearly this one accomplished what it claimed!!! BTW - you are BUILT BIG - look in that picture at your pecs and biceps! Wow!

Our last visit to Texas A&M saw you covering your "do" - that was growing a bit out of control - in the beanie. Your first beanie was purchased by Momma Jean and Poppa Gene at the skateshop on 12th street near ACC - I think you were a freshman in High School. You continued to wear beanies over the years. Just love this picture of you with your brother and sister - an earlier beanie pic, in High School - sophomore?

Back to A&M, this picture brings back such deep, memories of so many visits, sleeping in dorm rooms with you, running around campus, the Rec, the town, hanging with friends, and on and on - a blend of joy and saddness that cannot be expressed.

Your beard was a nice ruddy color, brown and red, and when long, quite unruly. We talked about how your beard was growing high - up toward your eyes. Yes, I am jealous of your hair!!! You would pull back your hair to show a widows peak - you swore it was receding. Never really looked like that was happening - but maybe the length hid things! The picture with Roxy and your last selfie suggest you listened to your Mom and cut back the out of control "eye beard." But your hair, as in the video with you jumping over the trashcans in the "Parent's Weekend" blog, your hair was big and floppy as usual.

I hassled you about your out of control floppy hair - wanting you to cut it and look stylish again. You said, no - that you were growing it out long enough to donate to Locks of Love. I said - really? It is going to look terrible. You were not concerned. You loved your hair; you reveled in its length, uniqueness, color, curl and bounce. But you never loved anything more than other people, even those you never met. You were glad to grow your hair long - looking probably just like Troy P. - but only to donate it so little girls who lost their hair due to cancer treatment or other health issues could have hair as a wig. Since you went home, >20 people followed your inspiration, donating their hair to Locks of Love. Your mom, sister, many friends from school, Amy at Starbucks, this list goes on. What starts with you Ian, truly changes the world.

I wish I could see your bouncy, big hair again - running toward me for your memorable big, bear hugs; floating as you jumped high on the Ultimate field; being a big mess in the morning as you got up from bed; framing your face - that handsome, loving face - with those amazing eyes! I miss you poofy hair, your crazy beard, your voice, your walk ... your everything.

Will we have hair in heaven? The Gospels make no mention of Jesus' hair or indicate that Jesus was bald after the resurrection - apparently He looked the same, save the presence of the scars of redemption on his hands, feet and side. In Revelation, John said he saw Jesus approach him - "His hair was white like wool, like snow..." Apparently Jesus' hair was memorable, mentioned with Jesus' eyes that "were like flames of fire." My interpretation is that Jesus' white hair is indicative of His purity and holiness. The "wooliness" maybe suggests that Jesus has big, poofy, bouncy hair. I wish you were here, not Home. Maybe you and Jesus share not only an eternal Home, but a similar hairdo. Knowing that you are with Jesus, that Jesus, the Man with the wooly hair, assures us to "Do not be afraid; I am the first and the last, and the Living One; and I was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore, and I have the keys of death and Hades...Surely, I am coming soon." (Rev. 1, 21), I can seek to believe and look forward to seeing your big bouncy hair, your curly, red, unruly beard again - soon.

Love you "E,"

Dad

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

Lullabies

 Ian,

Remember our apartment in Germantown - going from the living room to Mom and my room required us to go by Danny's room and yours and Caylea's room. It was there that we started singing lullabies each night as a family.

We started with the Barney Song - you and Caylea loved that purple dinosaur and would be readily manipulated to pick up your mess as we sang, "Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere, Clean up, clean up, everybody do their share." The theme song of Barney was a favorite and we modified to be our own:

"I love you, you love me;

We're a happy family,

with a Danny, a Caylea, a little Ian too,

Mommy and Daddy love each of you!"

Each night we would sing this song and pray together. We would all pray a short prayer together before our song. Your first prayers were so short, so sweet, so full of the faith that would carry you all your life. Singing and praying together - brought us all closer together as our family time, no matter how busy the day.

We moved to Vacaville and our house was laid out similarly. We would pass by Caylea's room to the left, Danny's to the right and yours next to Danny on the way to our bedroom. Mom and I would stand in the middle, where the hallways intersected and we would pray and sing our Family "Barney Song." As you guys got older, we adapted our song to a more adult song derived from Geoff Moore's "The Keeper" for us to sing as a prayer from your parents to our beautiful and precious children. It went like this:

"Jesus, keeper of this life,

You are my refuge, my savior, my guide,

Watch over, Danny, Caylea and Ian tonight,

Guide their every footstep as they travel this life,

And in some quiet moment, call them to your side,

That they would come to know you, 

as the keeper of this life."

When Taylor came to live with us his and Danny's senior year, we changed one line:
Watch over, Danny, Caylea, Ian and Taylor tonight," for he was now one of our kids!

I was never surprised that you and Caylea would sing this song with us, but Danny and Taylor would too. It was our family song, praying to the only One who could care, guide and save us. Even when we were not getting along, we could end the day singing our lullaby songs. As always we would pray together or one of us would pray for us all - this is how we would end our nights together. What precious times and unforgettable memories.

When we moved to Texas, Danny stayed in CA and yours and Caylea's rooms were on one end of the house and ours was on the other. Danny would stay down the stairs next to you two. Singing together our lullabies stopped sadly soon after we moved. I can blame it on the logistics, but more I blame it on myself to let this amazing sharing time slip away. We still prayed together - either in the mornings before school, in the car to school or at night in your rooms before bed. We always prayed at meals, but we did not sing a lullaby together anymore. Over time, we began singing worship songs together, at church, as we played in the house, etc. These became our new songs, our new lullabies. Some Sundays, you guys would rather us not go to church and we would stay home, listen or sing worship songs together, and do a "church" service at home. Often you or Caylea would lead based on something that God was teaching you.

All children grow up; they outgrow lullabies. I guess I had more time to sing lullabies with my kids than most parents - keeping this tradition going for maybe 12 years. But alas, I miss those times, your voice, our voices every night. I miss standing next to you at the Stone and singing praises to Jesus at the top of our lungs; I miss playing worship music with you at Kids at the Stone. I still look for you to my left every Sunday - I miss you and the groove we set together. That was our lullaby - our worship to our King sung together with the voices God has given.

 I watched your "Celebration" service again. I saw Mom, Danny, Caylea and I end the service singing:

"I love you, you love me;

We're a happy family,

with a Danny, a Caylea, a little Ian too,

Mommy and Daddy love each of you!"

How we could sing this without falling apart, I will never know. We are FIVE and singing it as four is just not right. Oh what I would give to sing that lullaby with you again. Maybe a new song in glory will be a lullaby about our rest in Christ sung by His complete and reunited family.

Lullabies to parents are those promises to be with their kids, to protect them, to love them, to be there when they wake up. I feel like I failed you, Ian - you went Home before me; I could not protect you; I could not say "I love you" before you went away. I miss you very much. As we sang our "Keeper" song, I realize that I had an agenda all along - for my kids to be successful in this world, to be safe here, to find joy here. I now realize that God did not promise this agenda to anyone in this world. Indeed, God was faithful and answered this prayer in our lullaby twice. He quietly called you, Caylea and Danny to Himself - to follow Him. He also guided your steps Home, being the keeper of your life - your eternal life that does not end on earth, but continues in His presence forevermore. I don't like the way He "guided your steps" but I am thankful that He is the One who KEEPS you. I must release the control that my definition of a lullaby carried - and realize that a lullaby is really a release of my children to the control, care and keeping of the One, the only One, who can KEEP their lives in this world and in the next.

Jesus said, "...and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand. "My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. "I and the Father are one.""…John 10:28-30

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am...” John 14:1-3

Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass. 1 Thess. 5:23-24

Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.  Jude 24-25

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. Heb. 10:23

 

Ian, I want to end this conversation with two songs - one we loved together, one that we have yet to listen to together. Jars of Clay's "Love Song for a Savior" is basically a lullaby - it is the prayer of a father that in the end, his child would fall in love with Jesus and there find joy and life eternal. The more I hear about your life at Texas A&M and reflect on your life in Germantown, Vacaville and Austin - God answered this ultimate prayer of a parent. You loved the Savior with your whole heart, soul, mind and strength. God has been faithful to His promises to see you Home and protect you for His eternal purposes. I can't wait to see your smiling face, sparkling eyes, fuzzy whiskers, muscular body and feel your bear hug, sweet kiss and the warmth of tears of joy again in the presence of our Savior.

"Love Song For A Savior"

In open fields of wild flowers,

she breathes the air and flies away

She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses

in no simple language

Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens

As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips

Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him

Someday He'll call her and she will come running

and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best

The sermon echoes through the walls

A great salvation through it calls to the people

who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens

As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips

Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him

Someday He'll call us and we will come running

and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",

Not close enough to call you "God"

So as I sit and think of words I can mention

to show my devotion

"I want to fall in love with You - my heart beats for You"

This last song is more melancholy. It fits the "in-between" space I find myself in this world and you in the next. I seek to be strong in faith, but I am sad. My heart is incomplete, it has a whole missing our daily interaction and the hopes and dreams of the future. I like the way Billy Joel frames the meaning of a lullaby. It reminds me of me singing to you as a baby, singing with you as a child, worshiping with you as a man. Ian, your Daddy, Father Unit, Pops, Padre, is with you wherever, and whatever the circumstances. I am learning that grief and joy can co-exist in Christ. I love you "e!"

"Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)"

Goodnight, my angel

Time to close your eyes

And save these questions for another day

I think I know what you've been asking me

I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you

And you should always know

Wherever you may go

No matter where you are

I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to sleep

And still so many things I want to say

Remember all the songs you sang for me

When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean

I'm rocking you to sleep

The water's dark

And deep inside this ancient heart

You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to dream

And dream how wonderful your life will be

Someday your child may cry

And if you sing this lullabye

Then in your heart

There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone

But lullabyes go on and on...

They never die

That's how you

And I

Will be