What a Father Remembers ... or Why I Blog

Ian,

I remember one of your friends posted on the anniversary of your Going Home - that we should not make a saint out of you; you were not perfect - you had definite flaws. But he ended the post by point out that you always were working to be a better person, who wanted to make others lives better.

When I first read that post, I was frustrated. How could he say you were not a “saint?” Then I remembered two things - the first was the manner we all idolize and selectively remember the past - especially those who have gone Home before us; and second, yeah, he was correct. You were a good kid - but were also a pain and far from perfect!

Why is this important? You were not the only one that “was” or “is” a pain. You are a chip off this old block - the guy who is writing this blog. I remember growing up with the “Ten Commandment god” - you know, the one that was all about 100% compliance and 100% honesty. That god was disappointed with me ALWAYS. He could NEVER approve me. All my life before Christ (shoot, my life now!) is characterized by extreme inconsistency. Don’t get me wrong, I have good intentions and outcomes - but I lack the sustained self-discipline to ever fulfill one commandment consistently, let alone 10! And when I fail, I am full of excuses, rationalizations and lies to cover up my culpability. Yes, I am a mess. My excuses, apologies or regrets cannot remove a single sin or the consequences it produces. In my original mindset, this “god” is tasked to heap on the guilt, wait to execute judgment and certainly never really like me. 

But things have changed. I met the Father who corrected my view of God, well, of Himself. When I look at what our Father in Heaven remembers around His children - I see an encouraging pattern. In the pages of the Jewish and Christian Scriptures, there is an honest portrayal of messed up people. People you and I would know and feel comfortable with.

They were:

aspirational, but inconsistent;

hopeful, but faithless;

strong off the blocks, only to finish poorly sometimes.

God did not whitewash the truth or let anything slip His attention. He paints an accurate picture of each of us. You and I stand together - we are known fully and cannot change the truth by our intentions, smile or excuses. But what does He record in His eternal book? What does He remember about our lives?

In Hebrews 11, the writer summarizes the lives of the faithful from the Jewish Scriptures. This is interesting when you consider what the Holy Spirit actually brings to the writer’s mind to record. It seems to answer the question, “what does God the Father remember?”

For example, with Abram, the Father does not enumerate his lies - endangering his wife’s life; his faithlessness to God’s promise - bearing an illegitimate child; his repeat sins - showing he continued to be stumble over the same temptations and challenges. Abram was a mixed bag - the father of the faithful and a real disappointment. This makes Abram a real person - someone like us. But, here is what is interesting - in light of Abram’s uneven record, this is what God our Father remembers:

“By faith, Abraham, when called to go to a place that he would later receive as his inheritance - obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. … By faith, Abraham made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country… Abraham was looking forward to the city and foundations, whose architect and builder is God… From one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous a the starts in the sky… By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He embraced the promises…he reasoned that God could even raise the dead…” Heb. 11:8-12.

What the Father remembers are Abraham’s acts of faith, not his sins. He remembers when He got things right, not when he failed. He remembered his legacy, not his setbacks.  This is not an “exception” - the whole chapter is full of the “selective memory of God” as evidenced in what is recorded for Noah, Sarah, Isaac, Jacob, Joseph, David, Moses, Rahab, the people of Israel, David, Samson, Samuel, and others. 

So, is God just ignoring reality, our sins, and is not serious about His righteousness? Nope, they are all captured and recorded as “history” in other chapters and verses. But something happens between the “recording” and the “remembering.” Although God hates sin, in His love He has put away sin from His people. He is not the “Ten Commandment god” demanding compliance and honesty always if we are to be accepted. He knows that we could never delivery this - it is just impossible! So Jesus did - He lived in total compliance, complete honesty then bore away our sins in His own body on the tree. In the atonement, God actually separates our sins from us as far as the East is from the West. This love that motivated Him to action to “covers a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8; see Prov. 10:12 too.

This is what makes grace - well - amazing!! This is what distinguishes the “chesed” love of God from our weak and temperamental love. The Father’s covenant, steadfast, loving-kindness delivers what one can call grace. It is a love that bears all things, believes all things, and endures all things. Even when faith and hope find their end, the Father’s love never fails. This is the love that He has shed freely on us by His Spirit; the love that covers our sin; the love seeks us out and reconciles us to Himself; this love adopts us into His family.

So, what do I as your father remember? I notice that I tend to remember positive, building and encouraging things. Am I looking at life through rose-colored glasses? No, I remember the bad times, the arguments, the frustrations, the disobedience, the discipline, the lies, loss of cars, the broken promises and other disappointments. But, I find my mind not dwelling on these things. My mind migrates and settles on positive memories. 

Is it just you? No, I find my mind staying on the positive memories for Danny and Caylea at well! Not the addiction, the losses, the conflicts, but the joys, togetherness, the future. Same goes for Mom and our imperfect relationship. I remember joy, togetherness, love, and forgiveness. Most of all I remember us - all five at home. Love indeed covers a multitude of sins.

I remember your smile, the giggly laugh, bear hugs and your smell, scratchy beard, kisses good morning and goodbye, the “I love you” in texts, on the phone or as we left each other. I remember you waking me up, standing over me as I slept, saying “Dad, I’m home!” (How I long to hear that again!) I replay the jabbering conversations, silly topics, the passions for the present and future, the arguing over values and actions as well as the celebrating of each other.

I do remember sad things. April 19th, 2013 - I re-live the news, reactions, the trauma. I remember the sadness especially as I travel and have more time on my hands. I relive April 18th - and my desire to change the past, intervene in some way to rescue you from the terrible outcome of the next day. I remember the days after April 19th and the sadness and loss. However, I remember the love of our family and friends, support we received, the amazing stories about your life, influence and impact. So, memories are a mix of positive and negative.

When not recalling 2013, what else do I remember?

I remember  

all five

at home

at camping

at church

at concerts

at sports

at play

with your Y’s

with Legos

with stufties                          

with games

with basketball, frisbee, football, wrestling, baseball

with video games, DDR, computers and boards

                     in the yard

                        around the fire pit

                        during sleepovers

                                                with shoes

                                                with jackets

                                                with hair

                                                with dogs

                                                with cats

                                                full of joy

                                                full of pride

                                                full of together

                                                full of hope

                                                full of future

The list just goes on and one. Preserving these memories is why do I blog. Mom asked me to capture memories so we can relive these together. So, many memories are captured in my blogs. So get ready to see more memories move from the ethereal to blogs - avocado seeds, caves, theme parks, activities with MJ&PG, at home, at TAMU, etc.

Bottom line, as I remember, it is the joy and hope that stands out and a desire to hang on to a memory and never let it go. But memories are limited - you in a bottle l bounded by time and the limitations of my mind. You are much more than I, or anyone, remember. We live in hope that memories are not “done” but put on hold until we reunite when we meet you again at Home. We have "embraced the promises…reasoning that God could even raise the dead…"

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see...And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him. Hebrews 11:1, 6

“God grant us faith, renew our faith - for we are "of little faith." When the Son of Man returns may He finds faith in us. Please grant us confidence in the evidence of your promises in Your Word and in your revelation. We live in “tents” in the land of promise “looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.” The land is a desert and it is hard to see beyond the pain of today. Grant us assurance that although we do not see Ian, we will be reunited one day there. We are indeed strangers and foreigners in this land of time. We long for a “better country” - a “heavenly” one. Remember Your word, Your promises, Your Son. See us through Your loving memory. All our hope is in you, Father!”