Lullabies

 Ian,

Remember our apartment in Germantown - going from the living room to Mom and my room required us to go by Danny's room and yours and Caylea's room. It was there that we started singing lullabies each night as a family.

We started with the Barney Song - you and Caylea loved that purple dinosaur and would be readily manipulated to pick up your mess as we sang, "Clean up, clean up, everybody everywhere, Clean up, clean up, everybody do their share." The theme song of Barney was a favorite and we modified to be our own:

"I love you, you love me;

We're a happy family,

with a Danny, a Caylea, a little Ian too,

Mommy and Daddy love each of you!"

Each night we would sing this song and pray together. We would all pray a short prayer together before our song. Your first prayers were so short, so sweet, so full of the faith that would carry you all your life. Singing and praying together - brought us all closer together as our family time, no matter how busy the day.

We moved to Vacaville and our house was laid out similarly. We would pass by Caylea's room to the left, Danny's to the right and yours next to Danny on the way to our bedroom. Mom and I would stand in the middle, where the hallways intersected and we would pray and sing our Family "Barney Song." As you guys got older, we adapted our song to a more adult song derived from Geoff Moore's "The Keeper" for us to sing as a prayer from your parents to our beautiful and precious children. It went like this:

"Jesus, keeper of this life,

You are my refuge, my savior, my guide,

Watch over, Danny, Caylea and Ian tonight,

Guide their every footstep as they travel this life,

And in some quiet moment, call them to your side,

That they would come to know you, 

as the keeper of this life."

When Taylor came to live with us his and Danny's senior year, we changed one line:
Watch over, Danny, Caylea, Ian and Taylor tonight," for he was now one of our kids!

I was never surprised that you and Caylea would sing this song with us, but Danny and Taylor would too. It was our family song, praying to the only One who could care, guide and save us. Even when we were not getting along, we could end the day singing our lullaby songs. As always we would pray together or one of us would pray for us all - this is how we would end our nights together. What precious times and unforgettable memories.

When we moved to Texas, Danny stayed in CA and yours and Caylea's rooms were on one end of the house and ours was on the other. Danny would stay down the stairs next to you two. Singing together our lullabies stopped sadly soon after we moved. I can blame it on the logistics, but more I blame it on myself to let this amazing sharing time slip away. We still prayed together - either in the mornings before school, in the car to school or at night in your rooms before bed. We always prayed at meals, but we did not sing a lullaby together anymore. Over time, we began singing worship songs together, at church, as we played in the house, etc. These became our new songs, our new lullabies. Some Sundays, you guys would rather us not go to church and we would stay home, listen or sing worship songs together, and do a "church" service at home. Often you or Caylea would lead based on something that God was teaching you.

All children grow up; they outgrow lullabies. I guess I had more time to sing lullabies with my kids than most parents - keeping this tradition going for maybe 12 years. But alas, I miss those times, your voice, our voices every night. I miss standing next to you at the Stone and singing praises to Jesus at the top of our lungs; I miss playing worship music with you at Kids at the Stone. I still look for you to my left every Sunday - I miss you and the groove we set together. That was our lullaby - our worship to our King sung together with the voices God has given.

 I watched your "Celebration" service again. I saw Mom, Danny, Caylea and I end the service singing:

"I love you, you love me;

We're a happy family,

with a Danny, a Caylea, a little Ian too,

Mommy and Daddy love each of you!"

How we could sing this without falling apart, I will never know. We are FIVE and singing it as four is just not right. Oh what I would give to sing that lullaby with you again. Maybe a new song in glory will be a lullaby about our rest in Christ sung by His complete and reunited family.

Lullabies to parents are those promises to be with their kids, to protect them, to love them, to be there when they wake up. I feel like I failed you, Ian - you went Home before me; I could not protect you; I could not say "I love you" before you went away. I miss you very much. As we sang our "Keeper" song, I realize that I had an agenda all along - for my kids to be successful in this world, to be safe here, to find joy here. I now realize that God did not promise this agenda to anyone in this world. Indeed, God was faithful and answered this prayer in our lullaby twice. He quietly called you, Caylea and Danny to Himself - to follow Him. He also guided your steps Home, being the keeper of your life - your eternal life that does not end on earth, but continues in His presence forevermore. I don't like the way He "guided your steps" but I am thankful that He is the One who KEEPS you. I must release the control that my definition of a lullaby carried - and realize that a lullaby is really a release of my children to the control, care and keeping of the One, the only One, who can KEEP their lives in this world and in the next.

Jesus said, "...and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand. "My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father's hand. "I and the Father are one.""…John 10:28-30

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am...” John 14:1-3

Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass. 1 Thess. 5:23-24

Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority, before all time and now and forever. Amen.  Jude 24-25

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. Heb. 10:23

 

Ian, I want to end this conversation with two songs - one we loved together, one that we have yet to listen to together. Jars of Clay's "Love Song for a Savior" is basically a lullaby - it is the prayer of a father that in the end, his child would fall in love with Jesus and there find joy and life eternal. The more I hear about your life at Texas A&M and reflect on your life in Germantown, Vacaville and Austin - God answered this ultimate prayer of a parent. You loved the Savior with your whole heart, soul, mind and strength. God has been faithful to His promises to see you Home and protect you for His eternal purposes. I can't wait to see your smiling face, sparkling eyes, fuzzy whiskers, muscular body and feel your bear hug, sweet kiss and the warmth of tears of joy again in the presence of our Savior.

"Love Song For A Savior"

In open fields of wild flowers,

she breathes the air and flies away

She thanks her Jesus for the daises and the roses

in no simple language

Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens

As close a heartbeat or a song on her lips

Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him

Someday He'll call her and she will come running

and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

Sitting silent wearing Sunday best

The sermon echoes through the walls

A great salvation through it calls to the people

who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls

He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens

As close a heartbeat or a song on our lips

Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him

Someday He'll call us and we will come running

and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray,

"I want to fall in love with You"

It seems too easy to call you "Savior",

Not close enough to call you "God"

So as I sit and think of words I can mention

to show my devotion

"I want to fall in love with You - my heart beats for You"

This last song is more melancholy. It fits the "in-between" space I find myself in this world and you in the next. I seek to be strong in faith, but I am sad. My heart is incomplete, it has a whole missing our daily interaction and the hopes and dreams of the future. I like the way Billy Joel frames the meaning of a lullaby. It reminds me of me singing to you as a baby, singing with you as a child, worshiping with you as a man. Ian, your Daddy, Father Unit, Pops, Padre, is with you wherever, and whatever the circumstances. I am learning that grief and joy can co-exist in Christ. I love you "e!"

"Lullabye (Goodnight, My Angel)"

Goodnight, my angel

Time to close your eyes

And save these questions for another day

I think I know what you've been asking me

I think you know what I've been trying to say

I promised I would never leave you

And you should always know

Wherever you may go

No matter where you are

I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to sleep

And still so many things I want to say

Remember all the songs you sang for me

When we went sailing on an emerald bay

And like a boat out on the ocean

I'm rocking you to sleep

The water's dark

And deep inside this ancient heart

You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to dream

And dream how wonderful your life will be

Someday your child may cry

And if you sing this lullabye

Then in your heart

There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone

But lullabyes go on and on...

They never die

That's how you

And I

Will be