Five months in no-man's land...
I feel stuck between yesterday, today and tomorrow.
Yesterday - the Beatles said it well:
"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away;
Now it looks as though they're here to stay;
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be;
There's a shadow hanging over me;
Oh, yesterday came suddenly."
Five months ago yesterday became a dream, a wish, a desire ripped from my life as Ian abruptly left our home to enter his eternal home. Yesterday seems like the golden years, the good times, and today feels like I am stuck in mire and muck.
Today - How to live with the shadow? with the wet blanket of grief, covering so much of life? Exacerbated by memories, pictures, hopes and dreams? How to live maimed emotionally, spiritually and physically by the loss of Ian? How to find a new normal - when you just want yesterday? David Crowder reminds me of the path to follow (and yes Ian, as you would often tell me, it is in the key of B like almost all his songs!):
Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow
And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night
When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember
When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember
When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross (Shadows by DCB)
Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills his purpose for me. (Psalms 57:1-2)
Tomorrow - The key must be here. Going back to yesterday is impossible; dwelling in yesterday, today, is madness; ignoring the pain is impossible. Tomorrow must equate with hope - in Christ there is hope, for a future, reunion, joy and endurance for road to get there. In God's promises is the strength and hope for healing. As King David and Bono sang (good company!):
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord. (Psalms 40:1-3)
"How long to sing this song?
How long to sing this song?
How long...how long...how long...I long to sing a new song." (40 by U2)
Lord, draw me out of the pit, put a new song in my mouth, glorify Your Name. Lead me from my yesterday to Your tomorrow - please do this starting today. Until then I will be:
"...waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works." (Titus 2:13-14)
Dad
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Ian and his first car
Ian and his first car
Ian was clear from the start that he did NOT want to have a car like his sister's Honda CIVIC 2-door. He further did not want a white car or a 2-door car - how will he carry around his friends??? He spent inordinate amounts of free time searching the internet for car options - each week his tastes and goals changed. Trucks, vans, cameros, stingrays, you name it. Well one day he and his mom decided to go to Round Rock Honda Used cars - the place we found our Accord and Caylea's CIVIC. There it was - a white CIVIC 2-door (yes, this should have been a 3 strike car from the start!) in great shape. With the desire to get a car growing exponentially each day since we announced we would help him get his first car, his distaste for the CIVIC evaporated quickly. By the time I (his dad) arrived, he was convinced this was the car for him and he loved everything about it - except the stereo! We had Ian negotiate with John Michael for the price - and settled on a fair cost that both he and us can live with. To say the least, he was anxious to get his license and drive this new symbol of freedom. The stereo issue dogged this car - a constant source of frustration and complaining. No surprise that with that Christmas before his 16th birthday, he received a combo birthday/Christmas gift of a new stereo and 4 speakers with appropriate amplification and installation. This made the car the dream vehicle he imagined it could be. But as noted below, the freedom this car afforded was a powerful means of maturing for Ian.
With a driver's license, one cannot drive more than one friend at a time for 6 months. For the social person Ian was, this was a challenge. On one hand he cooperated with this well as it pertained to Marielle his girlfriend - he was glad to have JUST her in the car at a time. But this unfortunately not okay with us or her parents unless they asked - yet they found times and ways to ride together all the time without asking or our knowledge: to or from school, to lunch, out late at night, to and from her house. This left Ian with being "grounded" from his car due to his frequent misuse of the freedom with Marielle. Then, the big event happened. Ian was at the Messina's (we were hanging with them often). During one weekend, Ian and his friends decided to experiment with marajuana at a friend's house of Aaron. The challenge was how to get back to the Messina's. Well, they found a way - Ian would put Aaron and two friends in the car and drive back to the Messina's - stoned. This did not go without notice by the Messina's and we received a call to come get our son. To his credit, Ian was honest and owned up to his part - getting stoned and driving stoned and driving more than one person. Others did not own up so quickly. For breaking several laws, Ian was left with a car in the driveway for 6 months unused. Riding to school on a bus with Freshman was a bummer and soon he was finding friends to get him to and from school so he did not have to endure the humiliation of such "public" transportation.
During this respite from "car freedom," the relationship with Marielle continued to grow - so when he got the car back, they were once again hanging out. But the problem is that the times they chose were late at night, or better said in the middle of the night. With warnings that we would sell his car if he did not cease from misusing his freedom, Ian decided to - keep seeing Marielle in the middle of the night (without us knowing). This apparently continued until one evening when Caylea was sick - I mean projectile vomiting sick. She was staying in the guest bedroom/office. She texted her mom to help and Lanette headed to the bedroom and found Ian coming from the bathroom toward the living room. With a start, he said that he had heard Caylea vomiting and he was coming to tell us about this - but went to the bathroom first. That seemed odd. He headed back to his bedroom and Lanette stayed in the guest room to help Caylea. She was headed to living room to get something and something drew her attention to the front windows of the house - she saw Ian hopping in his car with Marielle in the front seat and driving off. She took care of Caylea and soon heard a car pull back in the driveway. As she entered Ian's room, Ian was climbing back in his open window. Busted. Apparently he and Marielle were out - parking - but Ian had to go to the bathroom. Instead of using a tree, bush, or shadow - Ian chose to come back in OUR house with his sister sick and us checking on her often to go to the bathroom. After his encounter with his mom, he dropped Marielle at her house and crawled into her room with her by her window and then left the same way before driving back to our house. Well that part of the story was confirmed by a call from Marielle's mom saying that she just saw our son crawling out Marielle's window. Bummer for both of them.
The keys were confiscated and the verdict was issued - not a surprise to him and he acknowledged that we were merely following through on what we had said we would do if he did not use his freedom responsibly. Soon, Danny bought Ian's car and he was without a car again. A difficult time with that first car - maybe the 3 strike look of white, 2-door and CIVIC was a sign. The money Danny paid was put in a bank to buy Ian's next car - the rust-bucket Pathfinder that would hold Bessy!
Ian was clear from the start that he did NOT want to have a car like his sister's Honda CIVIC 2-door. He further did not want a white car or a 2-door car - how will he carry around his friends??? He spent inordinate amounts of free time searching the internet for car options - each week his tastes and goals changed. Trucks, vans, cameros, stingrays, you name it. Well one day he and his mom decided to go to Round Rock Honda Used cars - the place we found our Accord and Caylea's CIVIC. There it was - a white CIVIC 2-door (yes, this should have been a 3 strike car from the start!) in great shape. With the desire to get a car growing exponentially each day since we announced we would help him get his first car, his distaste for the CIVIC evaporated quickly. By the time I (his dad) arrived, he was convinced this was the car for him and he loved everything about it - except the stereo! We had Ian negotiate with John Michael for the price - and settled on a fair cost that both he and us can live with. To say the least, he was anxious to get his license and drive this new symbol of freedom. The stereo issue dogged this car - a constant source of frustration and complaining. No surprise that with that Christmas before his 16th birthday, he received a combo birthday/Christmas gift of a new stereo and 4 speakers with appropriate amplification and installation. This made the car the dream vehicle he imagined it could be. But as noted below, the freedom this car afforded was a powerful means of maturing for Ian.
With a driver's license, one cannot drive more than one friend at a time for 6 months. For the social person Ian was, this was a challenge. On one hand he cooperated with this well as it pertained to Marielle his girlfriend - he was glad to have JUST her in the car at a time. But this unfortunately not okay with us or her parents unless they asked - yet they found times and ways to ride together all the time without asking or our knowledge: to or from school, to lunch, out late at night, to and from her house. This left Ian with being "grounded" from his car due to his frequent misuse of the freedom with Marielle. Then, the big event happened. Ian was at the Messina's (we were hanging with them often). During one weekend, Ian and his friends decided to experiment with marajuana at a friend's house of Aaron. The challenge was how to get back to the Messina's. Well, they found a way - Ian would put Aaron and two friends in the car and drive back to the Messina's - stoned. This did not go without notice by the Messina's and we received a call to come get our son. To his credit, Ian was honest and owned up to his part - getting stoned and driving stoned and driving more than one person. Others did not own up so quickly. For breaking several laws, Ian was left with a car in the driveway for 6 months unused. Riding to school on a bus with Freshman was a bummer and soon he was finding friends to get him to and from school so he did not have to endure the humiliation of such "public" transportation.
During this respite from "car freedom," the relationship with Marielle continued to grow - so when he got the car back, they were once again hanging out. But the problem is that the times they chose were late at night, or better said in the middle of the night. With warnings that we would sell his car if he did not cease from misusing his freedom, Ian decided to - keep seeing Marielle in the middle of the night (without us knowing). This apparently continued until one evening when Caylea was sick - I mean projectile vomiting sick. She was staying in the guest bedroom/office. She texted her mom to help and Lanette headed to the bedroom and found Ian coming from the bathroom toward the living room. With a start, he said that he had heard Caylea vomiting and he was coming to tell us about this - but went to the bathroom first. That seemed odd. He headed back to his bedroom and Lanette stayed in the guest room to help Caylea. She was headed to living room to get something and something drew her attention to the front windows of the house - she saw Ian hopping in his car with Marielle in the front seat and driving off. She took care of Caylea and soon heard a car pull back in the driveway. As she entered Ian's room, Ian was climbing back in his open window. Busted. Apparently he and Marielle were out - parking - but Ian had to go to the bathroom. Instead of using a tree, bush, or shadow - Ian chose to come back in OUR house with his sister sick and us checking on her often to go to the bathroom. After his encounter with his mom, he dropped Marielle at her house and crawled into her room with her by her window and then left the same way before driving back to our house. Well that part of the story was confirmed by a call from Marielle's mom saying that she just saw our son crawling out Marielle's window. Bummer for both of them.
The keys were confiscated and the verdict was issued - not a surprise to him and he acknowledged that we were merely following through on what we had said we would do if he did not use his freedom responsibly. Soon, Danny bought Ian's car and he was without a car again. A difficult time with that first car - maybe the 3 strike look of white, 2-door and CIVIC was a sign. The money Danny paid was put in a bank to buy Ian's next car - the rust-bucket Pathfinder that would hold Bessy!
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