Saturday, June 25, 2016

Did I ever say I loved to play music with my son?


New memories are sharp, vivid and reside in the senses. I miss new memories wit you Ian. My memoirs are now more diffuse, liquid but visceral. They are attached to activities, places and sounds. Wish we had pictures or movies - but with music together - it is all in form of memory.

Playing with you was a father's dream.
  • Practicing in your bedroom, 
  • Hearing you experimenting with licks while walking around the house, 
  • Encouraging each other to make the riff work, 
  • Setting up and tearing down the set at the Stone, 
  • Looking to my left and seeing you lay down the bass line, 
  • Sitting under the lockers - sharing our souls and praying to our Father, 
  • Laughing with you as we talked after about the set, 
  • Roadie-ing your stuff before or after a show, 
  • Listening with pride and awe from the audience, 
  • Singing worship together at the Stone, and 
...thinking it would never end.


The memories linger and hang all over Austin - reminding me of our times playing, singing or listening with you. They dwell in
  • Our house - literally in every room, 
  • Austin High hallways and choir room where the Stone meets, 
  • Antones' old building, 
  • Guitar stores around town,
  • Used CD stores - had to have the physical CD,
  • Beale Street and other clubs on West and East 6th districts, 
  • Rock island at Zilker, 
  • The Erwin Center, 
  • The Stone's St. John's campus, and 
...in all the pictures I treasure on my phone.



Memories permeate sounds that I hear. Need not be exact, but if they recall the
  • Hum of Bessey being plucked, 
  • 'Pop' and 'snap' of your Musicman's strings, 
  • Fluid slide on the Godin frettless, but also in the 
  • Distorted sounds of my tele,
  • "It just isn't right" of the PRS, 
  • Sparkle of the Deluxe, 
  • Opening riff of "Love Shines,"
  • Ring of a sus chord up the neck, 
  • The "cool" of a blues lick on the bass strings
  • Blend of an open string riff in the middle of a song, or
...anytime I hear music.



 It took a while but I found a sound that haunts and reminds what we shared and foretells where we will be going together. The open ring of a Gretsch hollowbody coupled with the bend of a Bigsby would be it. I hear you
  • Between the notes, 
  • Behind the chords, 
  • Pushing me to think different, 
  • Coaxing nimbleness from old fingers, 
  • Opening my ears to new progressions, and 
...ultimately in all I play.

I still look to my left, still hear your voice and always play with you - for in that experience what was diffuse and liquid takes tangible form through music and fingers on the strings. The visceral becomes sense-able again - sharp, vivid and permeating all my senses.

Did I ever say I love to play music with my son?

Love you E



Monday, March 14, 2016

Here Comes the Sun - Daylight Savings


Ian,

I always looked forward to Daylight Savings Time!! It was when you and I had actual sunlight to go outside after school and work and play outside for an hour or two before night set in, were exhausted or were so hungry that we had to eat!

In junior high and early high school, our evening playing focused on basketball. All winter we lacked the sun. But this did not deter us - we kept playing basketball after my work ... but it would be dark and only by the light of our motion sensor outdoor lights. Artificial light is helpful, but was a poor substitute for the sun. The shadows, the glare and the inadequate coverage gave us fits - to see the basket, make the shots and have a fair game. (Funny how those lights, when turned on even now, flood not just light, but precious memories of our basketball games into my mind.)


But now, it's Daylight Savings!! The sun was out again. Of course the sun set BEHIND the goal making some shots a eye-burning challenge, but we could see and play together. That was the key word - together. We all had work to do - school, practice with teams, actual work - not to mention homework, but all could be postponed a bit for the chance to play, together. One-on-one, HORSE, shooting practice, dunk "practice" filled out evenings. I remember working on your shot - moving from the swoop around the head (Randy Moff style...) to the straight up strategy. Manners to shoot over taller persons, and to focus always on the basket (a must on our driveway with its "slope"). Smiles filled our faces as we left our "court" to eat dinner and rest.
(the actual site for the start of exciting one-on-one games and 3-point shots)

 As time went on, basketball became less the focus. I have wrote about the changes in your interests elsewhere - addition of weight lifting and new interests in Ultimate. But Daylight Savings also benefited these activities. Yes...you would make me do push ups, pull ups, etc. then we would run around the block in a series of "sets." You know how much I "love" running - so this all about being together, not so much about the running!!!


Ultimate from mid-high school through Texas A&M was the real focus. We would go outside in the front yard or in the street and toss the disc. We would practice over the head catches, running catches, different throwing styles, follow the disc, etc. Sometimes my "skills" led to the disc falling down the street drain. But we would NOT loose a disc! Up went the manhole lid, down you went into the drain, and up went the disc. I cannot tell you how funny it was to see a startled cat yelp and run out of the drain on one occasion. He/she never expected to have a visitor in this hiding place!



Daylight savings time provided for the light to play disc together with Caylea at A&M. I know that I have told this story before, but it is such a great time - worth telling again! We pulled in "late" for food - at least from Caylea's point of view. She had been sleeping while I drove to town. You talked with her - in a hangry state - after she awakened. The nap coupled with you being late to be picked led to ... let's say, frustrations. You said we had woke up a hibernating bear!! After food all was good. We headed to the Research Park. I showed you guys the bridge that I proposed to Mom on - and we had time to play disc, well with disc golf discs. That is a bit more complicated!! You warned us not to throw near the lake. C and I abided by your expert advise. You however were inspired to try to span the lake with my Orc disc - to which we watched it rise, fall into the lake and sink...You slayed my Orc. To which you were named "Orcrist" - the sword to slay all Orcs (and goblins...). We laughed and laughed together as we headed back to the car as sun sat on College Station. We dropped you off - a great time together.


Just having one's child say, "Dad, let's play some ball!"; "Dad, throw the disc with me?" Let alone having two or three ask such questions - is the greatest gift a parent can receive. Time...time with one's kids; to a parent - such time is irreplaceable. One can set no value on it.

So, here comes the sun! Daylight savings leads me to remember how thankful I am for the sun and the opportunity to spend quality time with my kids (now I spend more time walking the dogs...another story). I am filled with wonderful memories, joy, thankfulness and hope. Hope, for one day we will hear a trumpet blast and "shout" and then, here will come the Son. I long for His face and the joyous reunion to follow.

Until then, love you "e",

Dad


Sunday, December 27, 2015

Birthdays


Ornaments wrapped and boxed
Tree taken down
Decorations hauled to the attic
Transition complete

One epic celebration gives way to another
Joy over the birth of Christ
Joy for the birth of you
Such is our annual tradition

Pinatas with bats dangerously swinging
Candy spilling, friends frenzy
Trampolines, en masse bouncing high
Sliding down our hill on folded boxes

Video games and shooting pool,
Ice cold water and a bubbling hot tub
Bicycle riding, skating and jumping
Deck to build, grind, catch air and ollie

Scavenger hunts (photo evidence a must)
Bowling with friends, under black light
Basketball games become dunk contests
Trash cans enter, sweaty t-shirts leave


Hello Kitty napkins, funny cake decorations
Table cloth and cups in pink and light blue
All attempts to embarrass
Totally lost on you

A birthday near Christmas has advantages
Negotiation for combo gifts begins months ago
An iPod, speaker system, a bass, it keeps going
Regardless of size, joy, that smile, always gratitude


Family and friends gather to celebrate
Fun and foil 
Candles to count and light
Wishes to be made, flames going out


Life like a candle on a cake
Burns hot one minute, smolders the next
Seems so bright, intense and warm
Then gone, memories seared inside the eyes

Such was watching you grow
One day a baby, the next a boy, then a man
How can time pass so quickly?
Why can the candle not be still burning?


But the tradition continues
Christmas makes way for your birthday
Decorations, just a few, are packed
Memories and hopes unpacked

Do they celebrate birthdays at Home?
Are there new hopes, new dreams to realize?
Are gifts unwrapped? Joys shared?
Each person remembered?


Time is a passing thing
Steps taken before eternity
A deep longing remains
Knowing reunion awaits

A new type of joy
Deeper level of love
An expansive relationship
Unity, we are one as He is

Identity in purpose, 
Solidarity in praise, 
Alliance of love
Harmony in peace


Maybe birthdays continue at Home
Not marking our entrance into time
But marking fulfillment of His promises
The complete experience grace

I guess a cake will be in order
A celebration fit for the King
Friends and family gather
As each deep hope and dream are unwrapped

No candles need be lit there
No wishes to be made
Time has no place there
All desire has found its resting place




Friday, October 9, 2015

#ianstrong

How strong in body, mind and spirit
When you walked this earth








You strengthened your body:
 










 
Enlarged your muscles - lifting heavy weight; can you say Smartcar?

Increased your stamina - running many laps; a 5k after leg day, really?

Intensified your agility - engaging in so many sports and how many concussions?

Extending your leap - jumping anything nearby; dunk contests, Frisbee discs, and trashcans
 

Improved your dexterity - playing guitar and bass; Bessy, the Music Man, Godin, 7-string, still more?
 
 







You exercised your mind:
 





 

 


Renewed in conception - reading, hearing, constantly surfing the web

Steady in conviction - grounded, convinced, even when ...wrong!
 
Tenacious in seeking truth - constant seeking and continual conversation
 
Expansive through investigation - always researching, Googling, Youtubing
 
Energetic with new ideas - always listening, "musicing", sharing

 





 You developed an athletic spirit:







 


With vigorous faith - counting all lost

In hearty worship - hands lifted high
 

Through consistent service - to neighbors at home and abroad
 

Overflowing with joy - that smile, that giggle
 

To eternal ends - knowing who holds your reward


How weighty the loss
         

         unendurable the separation

         steady the tether of love


         robust the thankfulness


         active the memories


         vigorous the hope


         firm the anticipation
 

 

Indeed, how strong the Father’s love is for us 

             how deep His condescension

             how scandalous His rising

             how immense our seating

             how audacious His promise
    


 

Spanning time, 

Bridging distance, to



        unite body, mind and spirit - again


        experience reunion - again


        grant joy - again

 

Loving you “E” - reunion soon,

Dad

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

La Obsesión de Ian con los Zapatos


I returned to Academy this week – it is the first time that I have shopped there since you went Home. The store seemed the same, unchanged in the last 3 years. The layout, the order, the sections, all seemed the same – I felt that I walked back in time. How I wish that I could – “go back in time” and Huey Lewis would sing.

Academy is not a special store, not “our store”, but a store we frequented over our years in Austin. I remembered many special times wandering through its aisles. While Mom and Caylea looked for kickboxing gloves, yes, your sister is doing kickboxing. And yes, I am a bit afraid… I remember the “fitness” area where you and Caylea would try out the equipment: weight machines, bow-flex like devices, punch bags and do sit-ups on machines. We could kill half an hour just in that section when we first came to Texas. (Yes, I know I entitled this “shoes” and I have not even brought up the subject yet. Hang in there; it’s coming.) That section was like a theme park – sweat being the theme – that you guys loved to explore. I remember once you worked out so hard, your hair had sweat in it – we were in a store! But this section was also where we looked for knee braces, ankle braces and other braces to help you as you recovered from your many injuries – basketball and football especially took their toll. We still keep your football knee brace – don’t know why. I just remember you Freshman year, your whining, your playing, your icing, your whining – but mostly, I remember the “process” it took to find that brace at Academy. We looked, tried some, took some back, returned to look again, etc. until we found one that finally worked. If the joy in parenthood comes from high surface area with your kids, the knee brace was one of those “joyful” times. 
But I didn’t stay in the fitness section – I was drawn to the aisles with discs. We looked for golf discs; or correctly said, I would look for golf discs. You would look for Ultimate discs. But this was met with disappointment – for they never carried good Discraft discs. A lecture would then follow describing the nuances of the “lip” on the disc, finger placement, smoothness, height of lip, etc. I guess you were an expert. I never could feel “that” much difference in a disc. In these aisles we would wander, looking for random things that you “needed” at times. Yes, we would go to Dick's or other larger sporting goods stores to look for things, but Academy was the “go to” and one we often found ourselves in.
I may have started my visit in the fitness section, but I soon wandered to the discs, basketball and random aisles, but I knew what my target was in the store. The shoes! (See, there it is; I finally made it to the subject). From Jr. High on through High School you and I would explore shoe options here – may not buy them, but we would explore. Indeed, your whole life – you were obsessed with shoes. And, for a kid who drove his Mom crazy (yes Dad too) taking off their shoes immediately after getting in a car seat – it was hard to believe that shoes would become an obsession. I mean, Mom or I would buckle you in, and we had not even sat down and “thud”, “thump” your shoes would hit the floor. We would say “No”, “Please stop that” “ You are in trouble!” (Parents know all the phrases) and sure enough, once one of us put your shoes back on and turned around, “thud”, “thump” – the shoes would hit floor again. You were so agreeable, so easy as a kid – but with shoes - “thud”, “thump” – the shoes would hit the floor. But from your time in pre-school on, shoes began to “define” the stages of your life.

As a toddler, it was EVERYONE else's shoes that caught your attention. I cannot believe I forgot this - but thankfully Mom reminded me. Mom's shoes, Danny's shoes, even my really big shoes (11-11-1/2) you would put on and put your feet in them and scoot around in those shoes. It was so funny to see this little guy trying to master shoes half his full body size. We would tie up the laces to try to keep them on and you would tool around the house in "clown shoes." Poppa Gene still remembers how you would wear his shoes. He still talks about your cute self and the joy you brought to us all (not just then but always). If uniqueness defines memories, well we all are full of memories of you - scoot, scoot, scoot with that infectious smile on your face all the time.

From pre-school through early elementary school, you would wear primarily skater shoes. No doubt you idolizing your brother, and your desire to embody all that was cool, influenced that choice. But Vans and their ilk were “it.” I think their choice sprang from your inherent laziness about certain things – like tying your shoes. Never liked that. So, the Vans could stay tied, fit loose and you could slip them on or off as you liked. You could always go shoeless at a moment’s notice. You could kick them off – hurling the Van across the room, on a bookcase, into a tree, giggling the whole time! Now, you were a skater – continued to be a skater through Jr. High and Sophomore year – so you may continued to “have” a pair of beat up skater shoes, but you found a new obsession.

Once you found basketball, the high tops, of some or any type, became what we would spend hours to find. We would go to Academy, Dick's, Sports shoe places, Nike, Reebok, Adidas, etc. stores in the outlets, regular stores searching for those perfect shoes. These were often “named” shoes – MJ’s, Shaq, Kobe. They could be full high tops, ¾ tops – it did not matter. Ankle support, flexible with tying or not, basketball shoes were it! As a growing boy, you would move in and out of these b-ball shoes very quickly. Having two pairs was essential – always. If you did not outgrow them, you wore them completely out.
 Soon the trend moved from “real”, supportive basketball shoes to a shoe style older than me – Chuck Taylor Top 10’s. You, Caylea and Danny all enjoyed these shoes – Caylea having the longest wearing record. The unique styles, with flames, skater and rapper signs, flags, etc. were just too much for a modest guy like yourself to pass up. Jonathan in Jr. High made a small business drawing his amazing cartoons on Chuck Taylor's – lots of surface area, but also any other shoes that someone would commission him to decorate. After our trip to Washington DC, he decorated a pair of shoes for you – this was very special birthday gift. In spite of the “cool” factor of Chuck’s, they were not really “functional” for basketball. The lack of padding, ankle support led to constant complaining about knee pain, ankle pain. But the worst was playing basketball out on the driveway. When the rocky pavement became the least bit wet, it would be very slick and Chuck’s have really no “stickiness” so slips and spills could occur.

I could go on and one about the specialized shoes you would find important. Bowling shoes. Yep, you liked them – definitely a killer look – well for a while, then usually they would be shed for bowling in socks. Those evenings at the Underground were great family times – blacklight bowling baby! There were more “skater” shoes as you and your Jr. High friends revisited this sport. Any “low top” became a skater shoe choice, but if you could have an extra pair of shoes and make those a Van or another skater shoe – you were always open to a closet full of shoes. At Academy, we searched for just the right cleats for football – for real grass but also working on the occasional turf. There is a very clear difference between football cleats and cleats that are appropriate for Ultimate – well you were confident in this. Further, there were differences with cleats required for soccer. Cleats and cleats – traction, cutting, jumping, kicking, running, stopping on a dime. Your natural athleticism was elevated by the wonders of cleats. I still have one of your high top blue socks from soccer. I keep it with my socks – a prized possession reminding me of you as I scramble for socks in the morning.
 It was the back wall, the “cleat aisle” at an Academy that held my attention most – this is where we often found these shoes. The Chucks, the b-ball high tops – really more often at Nike or Reebok or maybe even Famous Footwear – but good cleats, Academy was it. I visualized our conversations on utility of the “plastic-like” outers, the wear-ability of different cleat heights and compositions. Watching you run, cut, jump, as you tried out each pair. You would only slowly make a choice, talking incessantly about your vision for their utility, what they will empower you to do, how they will “take you higher!” 
 Your brother Danny as a kid, when trying on shoes, would put them on and tell us to watch him run “These shoes make me run fast!!! Watch me Daddy! Watch me!” he would say as he sprinted up and down the aisles of a store – frightening other patrons. But you always jumped, trying to touch high things. You would run down to the basketball goals – down the back wall in Academy – to try to touch the nets, the backboards, the rims. Shoes with you guys always transformed your performance – well, if you picked out the right pair of shoes! And that took forever with you.
Ultimate had its own cleats, but as your brother Danny tried out and began wearing Vibrams; you had to as well. Five finger shoes – really five toes. You loved them – you said you could feel the ground and you could run as if you were barefoot. Your dream of barefootedness while still having the benefit of shoes was fulfilled. All of a sudden, you began to jog. Jogging on the balls of your feet seemed to take the pressure off your knees and you could run farther, faster and longer. You always told me to get a pair. Didn’t until after you went Home. Have one now and indeed, you were right – I can really run in them. They are feather light, lead me to run on the balls of my feet, leaning forward, farther, faster and longer. Should have listened and we would have jogged together. Only issue, when worn without socks – yikes, they really got nasty and smelly. I have one of your socks still – too small for my feet. But like the soccer sock – a prized possession.
But in High School and college, you migrated more to the other type of shoe that was near to barefoot – the flip flop. You really loved them. 
The brown, the leather-like, the cheap, the functional. You could be in the rain with flip flops and you need not care (like you really minded getting your shoes wet!). You were at home in flip flops – because you could (like your Vans) just kick them off and you were off, running on the sidewalk, in the grass letting your Hobbit feet grip, turn and move. I can just see this happen in my mind as we were at A&M – going from rest or hanging out to “disc-ready” in no time! 
The Vibrams were used for working out a lot – but at home, you really like stronger, more supportive shoes, especially if you were going to do squats. You seemed to have my old Reeboks with you every other day. You would NEVER put them back in my room. They would be lying by the front door, by the couch in the Pogue common room or in your room. I was always searching for them for they were my ONLY pair of cross trainers. I would wear running shoes and you would wear my shoes to 24 Hour gym for arm day, back day or leg day. I still have those grungy old shoes – another constant reminder of you in my closet – an irreplaceable token of the life we share.  
 I don’t remember the shoes you were wearing that April 19th – I should, but I don’t. I know you wore that amazing button down maroon shirt – the one you wore on your last trip to Austin – Easter Sunday with Brenda. You wore your nice, new Lucky jeans. Mom took you all around town to find jeans that actually fit your sexy butt, you big thighs and calves. Lucky had the pair. We were going to check out how they worked – because they had to be hemmed. You wore your best clothes home to see your Mom and I – Mom always has a way of inspiring the best in us. I can’t think about Lucky jeans without getting a bit sad. The story of you finding them and wearing those home to see us just gets me. I wear Luckies – guess I am a bit sad all the time.
So, I know you are asking, why the zapatos in the title? I remember your heart, your generosity and your purposeful attitude for service. They are all captured by zapatos. When we went to Riverbend Church, the pastor challenged us to serve the people of the community by giving our shoes away – yes that very morning, in church!. Well, you were one of the first ones down and gave away your shoes. They were a cheap pair, but Mom followed and gave away an expensive pair. You led the giving of shoes from our family to those in need. You, Mom and Caylea left the church that day barefoot, but richer. My generosity followed up the next day - you taught me that it takes only two thoughts to be generous - one toward our Lord (who was rich, but for our sakes became poor so we could share in His riches) and the needs of others. The giving came slower to me - still learning. We later went with Riverbend to serve the people of Siloe El Salvador. We put on VBS, puppets (gosh my knees hurt), handed out food, loved on kids, listened to the people, encouraged the ministers there, played soccer (football) and basketball and made life-long family in Central America. We were told to expect to leave our t-shirts and shorts behind for the people there. You were all about that – less laundry to do upon returning!!! But you also gave away your good basketball shoes so that a brother in El Salvador would have good zapatos.

I guess I am wrong when I said you were obsessed about shoes. Actually, you were obsessed about loving, serving and being with people. I can’t help but think of our Savior, bending down, taking off the dusty sandals from His disciples and gently washing the road residue from their feet. He said we were to follow His example. You certainly did follow Jesus, not only serving, washing, but giving away what you valued, often valued most, for the benefit of others. Thank you for this example. "Go and do likewise" - I hear that whispered in my ear. 

Love you "E"!

Dad