Five months in no-man's land...

Five months in no-man's land...
I feel stuck between yesterday, today and tomorrow. 

Yesterday - the Beatles said it well:

"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away;
Now it looks as though they're here to stay;
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be;
There's a shadow hanging over me;
Oh, yesterday came suddenly."

Five months ago yesterday became a dream, a wish, a desire ripped from my life as Ian abruptly left our home to enter his eternal home. Yesterday seems like the golden years, the good times, and today feels like I am stuck in mire and muck.

Today - How to live with the shadow? with the wet blanket of grief, covering so much of life? Exacerbated by memories, pictures, hopes and dreams? How to live maimed emotionally, spiritually and physically by the loss of Ian? How to find a new normal - when you just want yesterday? David Crowder reminds me of the path to follow (and yes Ian, as you would often tell me, it is in the key of B like almost all his songs!):

Life is full of light and shadow
O the joy and O the sorrow
O the sorrow
And yet will He bring
Dark to light
And yet will He bring
Day from night

When shadows fall on us
We will not fear
We will remember
When darkness falls on us
We will not fear
We will remember

When all seems lost
When we're thrown and we're tossed
We remember the cost
We rest in Him
Shadow of the cross (Shadows by DCB)

Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills his purpose for me. (Psalms 57:1-2)

Tomorrow - The key must be here. Going back to yesterday is impossible; dwelling in yesterday, today, is madness; ignoring the pain is impossible. Tomorrow must equate with hope - in Christ there is hope, for a future, reunion, joy and endurance for road to get there. In God's promises is the strength and hope for healing. As King David and Bono sang (good company!): 

I waited patiently for the Lord;
he inclined to me and heard my cry.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock,
making my steps secure.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear,
and put their trust in the Lord. (Psalms 40:1-3)

"How long to sing this song?
How long to sing this song?
How long...how long...how long...I long to sing a new song." (40 by U2)

Lord, draw me out of the pit, put a new song in my mouth, glorify Your Name. Lead me from my yesterday to Your tomorrow - please do this starting today. Until then I will be:
"...waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works." (Titus 2:13-14)

Dad

Ian and his first car

Ian and his first car

Ian was clear from the start that he did NOT want to have a car like his sister's Honda CIVIC 2-door. He further did not want a white car or a 2-door car - how will he carry around his friends??? He spent inordinate amounts of free time searching the internet for car options - each week his tastes and goals changed. Trucks, vans, cameros, stingrays, you name it. Well one day he and his mom decided to go to Round Rock Honda Used cars - the place we found our Accord and Caylea's CIVIC. There it was - a white CIVIC 2-door (yes, this should have been a 3 strike car from the start!) in great shape. With the desire to get a car growing exponentially each day since we announced we would help him get his first car, his distaste for the CIVIC evaporated quickly. By the time I (his dad) arrived, he was convinced this was the car for him and he loved everything about it - except the stereo! We had Ian negotiate with John Michael for the price - and settled on a fair cost that both he and us can live with. To say the least, he was anxious to get his license and drive this new symbol of freedom. The stereo issue dogged this car - a constant source of frustration and complaining. No surprise that with that Christmas before his 16th birthday, he received a combo birthday/Christmas gift of a new stereo and 4 speakers with appropriate amplification and installation. This made the car the dream vehicle he imagined it could be. But as noted below, the freedom this car afforded was a powerful means of maturing for Ian.

With a driver's license, one cannot drive more than one friend at a time for 6 months. For the social person Ian was, this was a challenge. On one hand he cooperated with this well as it pertained to Marielle his girlfriend - he was glad to have JUST her in the car at a time. But this unfortunately not okay with us or her parents unless they asked - yet they found times and ways to ride together all the time without asking or our knowledge: to or from school, to lunch, out late at night, to and from her house. This left Ian with being "grounded" from his car due to his frequent misuse of the freedom with Marielle. Then, the big event happened. Ian was at the Messina's (we were hanging with them often). During one weekend, Ian and his friends decided to experiment with marajuana at a friend's house of Aaron. The challenge was how to get back to the Messina's. Well, they found a way - Ian would put Aaron and two friends in the car and drive back to the Messina's - stoned. This did not go without notice by the Messina's and we received a call to come get our son. To his credit, Ian was honest and owned up to his part - getting stoned and driving stoned and driving more than one person. Others did not own up so quickly. For breaking several laws, Ian was left with a car in the driveway for 6 months unused. Riding to school on a bus with Freshman was a bummer and soon he was finding friends to get him to and from school so he did not have to endure the humiliation of such "public" transportation. 

During this respite from "car freedom," the relationship with Marielle continued to grow - so when he got the car back, they were once again hanging out. But the problem is that the times they chose were late at night, or better said in the middle of the night. With warnings that we would sell his car if he did not cease from misusing his freedom, Ian decided to - keep seeing Marielle in the middle of the night (without us knowing). This apparently continued until one evening when Caylea was sick - I mean projectile vomiting sick. She was staying in the guest bedroom/office. She texted her mom to help and Lanette headed to the bedroom and found Ian coming from the bathroom toward the living room. With a start, he said that he had heard Caylea vomiting and he was coming to tell us about this - but went to the bathroom first. That seemed odd. He headed back to his bedroom and Lanette stayed in the guest room to help Caylea. She was headed to living room to get something and something drew her attention to the front windows of the house - she saw Ian hopping in his car with Marielle in the front seat and driving off. She took care of Caylea and soon heard a car pull back in the driveway. As she entered Ian's room, Ian was climbing back in his open window. Busted. Apparently he and Marielle were out - parking - but Ian had to go to the bathroom. Instead of using a tree, bush, or shadow - Ian chose to come back in OUR house with his sister sick and us checking on her often to go to the bathroom. After his encounter with his mom, he dropped Marielle at her house and crawled into her room with her by her window and then left the same way before driving back to our house. Well that part of the story was confirmed by a call from Marielle's mom saying that she just saw our son crawling out Marielle's window. Bummer for both of them.

The keys were confiscated and the verdict was issued - not a surprise to him and he acknowledged that we were merely following through on what we had said we would do if he did not use his freedom responsibly. Soon, Danny bought Ian's car and he was without a car again. A difficult time with that first car - maybe the 3 strike look of white, 2-door and CIVIC was a sign. The money Danny paid was put in a bank to buy Ian's next car - the rust-bucket Pathfinder that would hold Bessy!

Song 3: All My Tears from "Good Monsters" CD - Jars of Clay

Here is a song from Ian's favorite Jars of Clay CD. He would play this CD every morning getting ready for school for well over a year. I think this CD is Caylea Pogue's and maybe Danny's favorite Jars CD too. I let them comment agreement or disagreement on that.

This song is Ian's message to us, his friends and family left behind here in time. My prayer is that it will be our testimony as well.

It didn't matter to Ian where he was buried - he was already home; he was already free. Thanks to all who have celebrated his life by spreading some of Ian in France, England, Portugal, Spain, Poland, Colombia, Kenya, Germany, California, Washington DC, Nashville, Ohio, College Station (pond hopping with our "kids" on the TAMU campus), Wichita Falls, and various places around Austin, e.g. Mount Bonnell, Zilker Park, and other locations. Ian has "got around" for sure!!! But that is not him; he is not here but resting in his Father's arms.

Weep not for Ian, his life belongs to "the First and the Last, the Living One. Who died, and behold Who is alive forevermore, and holds the keys of Death and Hades" (Rev. 1:17-18). He is the One to whom Ian's life belongs, the One who will raise the dead again. So though we may weep because we miss Ian's physical presence, we know he is safe and home. We weep for ourselves and what we miss - but we grieve with a sure hope, that we will rejoice with Ian before God's throne soon. There all our tears will be washed away!

Jars Of Clay

"All My Tears" from "Good Monsters"

When I go, don't cry for me

In my Father's arms I'll be

The wounds this world left on my soul

Will all be healed and I'll be whole.

Sun and moon will be replaced

With the light of Jesus' face

And I will not be ashamed

For my Savior knows my name.

It don't matter where you bury me,

I'll be home and I'll be free.

It don't matter where I lay,

All my tears be washed away.

Gold and silver blind the eye

Temporary riches lie

Come and eat from heaven's store,

Come and drink, and thirst no more

It don't matter where you bury me

I'll be home and I'll be free

It don't matter where I lay

All my tears be washed away

So, weep not for me my friends,

When my time below does end

For my life belongs to Him

Who will raise the dead again.

It don't matter where you bury me,

I'll be home and I'll be free.

It don't matter where I lay,

All my tears be washed away.

Song 2: More Than Fine-Switchfoot

When I wake in the morning,

I want to blow into pieces.

I want more than just ok, more than just ok.

When I'm up with the sunrise

I want more than just blue skies.

I want more than just ok, more than just ok.

I'm not giving up, giving up, not giving up now.

I'm not giving up, giving up, not backing down.

More than fine, more than bent on getting by.

More than fine, more than just ok.

When I'm lit with the sunrise.

I want more than just a good time.

I want more than just ok, more than just ok...

Jon Foreman sings of pursuing life with more gusto and lasting purpose than what normally dominates the common, pedestrian approach to life in the 21st century. We seek small things: no hassles, green lights, no flats, no arguments, plenty, no suffering, a modicum of happiness, and a fairy tale ending. As I hear stories, see pictures, and review our conversations, I see that Ian wanted a life that was more than "fine" and spent his time and money investing in depth - deep relationships, meaningful experiences, lasting return, and eternal hope. Just think about his work out approach - he was not giving up to be in shape and drag as many people as possible into shape with him. He pursued holiness with the same energy through accountability groups, giving his resources and time, in private conversations and dragging friends to worship. This may mean he was a "A, B, C" student, got little sleep and was full-on busy - but he sought to suck the marrow out of life. He may have lived 19 years - but those years were definitely "more than fine!" He inspires me to pursue the same set of lasting virtues and live "more than fine!" Now that he sits in the presence of our Father - Ian is certainly "more than fine!!!"

Song 1: Magnificent-U2

I was born, I was born
To be with you in this space and time
After that and ever after
I haven't had a clue only to break rhyme
This foolishness can leave a heart black and blue, oh, oh

Only love, only love can leave such a mark
But only love, only love can heal such a scar

I was born, I was born to sing for you
I didn't have a choice but to lift you up
And sing whatever song you wanted me to
I give you back my voice from the womb
My first cry, it was a joyful noise, oh, oh

Only love, only love can leave such a mark
But only love, only love can heal such a scar
Justified, till we die you and I will magnify, oh, oh
Magnificent, magnificent, oh, oh

Ian could join full voice with Bono in this song and groove with the Edge's classic riff and the great bass line laid down by Adam. Of course tunefulness was not Ian's gift, but heart was. He was born to sing and worship Jesus with all his being - in this space and time and ever after. We imagine the music Ian must be composing now in heaven and the songs God has given him to sing. I can't wait to hear them!! Only love hurts this much when we are separated. Only God's love and eternal promises can heal the scars left behind. God you are magnificent. Enjoy the praise offered by Ian, offered by his friends and family even in the midst of tears.

Yesterday, today, tomorrow....

Music has been a uniting force in our family. We all have our favorites, early on it was "Message in a Bottle" for Daniel Edward Zientek Pogue, "Janie's Got a Gun" for Caylea Pogue (yes be a bit afraid!), the Chile Peppers for Ian Redeemed Pogue, anything by Third Day for Lanette Pogue and The Who's whole repertoire for me. These tastes evolved through CD purchases, Spirit West Coast, ACL, and other concerts. Regardless, when we couldn't understand each other - a song would help close the gap.

Ian in particular was a person who was fueled by and exuded music. He went through all phases of music styles loving them all - classic rock, new wave, jazz, screamo, blues, soul, indie, worship, and even a bit of country (poor kid...). I see him and hear him in lyrics of songs, in the back beat, the riff and melody. Sharing music with Ian - whether listing to a song in his car, via video on YouTube on his computer, having an impromptu concert in the living room, or playing with him in a band at the Stone was a special experience - it was in music that his heart was revealed.

From time to time, I would like to share some songs that express to me who Ian is, what he valued, and how we feel since he has gone home to be with our Father in Heaven. Here they are in reverse order so the newest is always on top.

Conversation with Ian during the NBA Finals updated

FIrst, Ian would be replaying the LaBron James commercial with repeated dunking "as a warm up"

Ian: D-Wade is so tough, hamstring and all, keeps playing hard with great energy

Dad: But the Heat were best when he was on the bench in Game 6, the James + shooter lineup is their strongest one.

Ian: But D-Wade kept them in the game early with his drives and creativity.

Dad and Ian: Did you see that layup, foul and score by James!!! He is an animal!!

Ian: Wade's on the floor and scores! He has one of the best with one-handed shots.

Dad: Manu is back - playing hard. About time - winning the turnover:point ratio.

Dad: Tight first half - the old men didn't fade - they came up fighting the big 3 and their young bucks.

Ian: The Heat will wear them down - Wade gets his third ring.

Ian: WooHoo - great steal, James pass and big Wade dunk. Love it when D-Wade dunks it. They win this one - it will be two championships in a row - gotta be talkin' about dynasty.

Dad: Dynasty??? Seems a bit premature. They need to have a big more success in the next few years before that sort of talk. Two in a row is special there.

Ian: You just don't like the Heat and are bitter that OKC aren't playing in the finals!

Dad: I am a bit bitter - the Heat have 3 of the best players in the league - a bit unfair and yes, I wish OKC was there again. That said, the old guard in the Spurs versus the young bucks - the Heat - makes this a very special series. Can the Spurs finish off with 5 championships in the Duncan era?

Dad: The Spurs, especially Green, cannot buy a 3!

Ian: LaBron has 3 already in this game. He is the real deal. Whoo Hoo, Wade with the runner!

Dad: Dude, I took your advice - been running with Danny the past three weeks. Ran 4 5K's and did two kettle bell cardio weight exercises in a week and a half.

Ian: Dad, I knew you could do it. Are you running explosive off your toes or on your heals?

Dad: I am trying to run on my toes, lean forward and use my arms. Still not good on my toes.

Ian: Two more 3 pointers from LaBron. This may be too much for the Spurs. Keep running and exercising and you will be lean and sexy.

Dad: Hope so! Want to share some salsa and chips? Spurs back up!!

Ian: Always - love chips and salsa  more than Ice cream. (Dad makes sound resembling - "Hurumph, no.") Chamer's with the bank-in 3 at the buzzer! Heat up by 1 at end of the 3rd.

Ian: The Bird-Man - takes the charge, then keeps the play alive. He is the true Wild Card. Spurs look slow off the floor and Anderson keeps giving a spark. Battier has been insane -5 for 5 three pointers!

Dad: Battier finally missed! Duncan made a great follow up.

Ian: Lucy has really grown up! Darker colors and busy chewing on everything! Can't believe our little puppy has grown up so fast.

Dad: This is probably as big as she will get. Makes is a nice size. Wait till you see her respond to peanut butter ball! She goes crazy - really loves PB and hops into the crate to enjoy it!

Ian: Chamers makes that 3 and it would be a knife. Wade looks hurt or shaken up? What is a "clear path" call?

Dad: Not sure - odd call and play? Heat has ball again - Wade scores again on a jump shot. I am not sure if SA has enough offensive punch. Ginobli has two turnovers in the last three possessions - similar to Game 6.

Ian: Heat is "heating" up - their jump shots are falling from 2 or 3.

Dad: Time for Spurs to make a move - they are down by 6. In this close game, that is a big number. SA fighting back!

Ian: Back up by 6! Battier continues to fill it up!

Dad: Duncan with a crazy shot and Bosch gets his 5th foul.

Ian: Wade continues to score. Spurs better make a move! Woooo! Leonard makes a 3 for the Spurs. That dude is only 21. Chamers missed two free throws.

Dad: Pop left Parker on the bench!!! Are you kidding me - he is his best player! A minute left and we are 2 points apart. You gotta put your money on the court.

Ian: Duncan is SA's best player - but he just missed a point-blank shot at the rim. That hurts. Look at him on the bench - Duncan is showing emotion! He knows that shot was the difference maker.

Dad: Spurs cannot score!!!! Time out Miami with 39 seconds left.

Ian: James scores again! We are looking two-peat! Up by 4! LaBron has won using the jumpshot!

Dad: I agree. He has become such a complete player. Ginobli - another turnover.  They needed Parker - he is the one that can penetrate, score or dish. Ginobli is panicking. We are looking like the game will be over soon.

Ian: The Heat has always been my favorite team. Best in the world- baby!! Wade sinking freethrow and the game is now over!! Back to Back!!!

Dad; Great game - the Heat earned it. Too much defense, too much firepower and the Spurs just didn't have enough gas to pull it out. Game 6 was their chance and they let it slip away.

Ian: Love seeing Wade win his third ring. He has always been my favorite player.

Dad: I know. Good choice - he is honoring you and all his fans. Love you E! Great watching Game 7 with you. Thanks!!