When I Grow Up to be a Man (or the Black and White Prom Shoes)

When I grow up to be a man
Will I dig the same things that turn me on as a kid?
Will I look back and say that I wish I hadn't done what I did?
Will I joke around and still dig those sounds
When I grow up to be a man?

As the Beach Boys pondered, what will it be like to grow up? What will the kid become as they mature? What does it mean to be a man?

Every parent has that experience - at 9 or 49 - one day you see your child differently, or better said your child is no longer a child but now grown up. Ian, you always looked grown up in so many ways - your muscular body, hairy legs, and yes the facial hair. But I saw all of that physique get occupied by a fully grown man your senior year and beyond. It is a time every father dreams to see - manhood - thank God I saw it and could savor it.

Will I look for the same things in a woman that I dig in a girl?
(fourteen fifteen)
Will I settle down fast or will I first wanna travel the world?
(sixteen seventeen)
Now I'm young and free, but how will it be
When I grow up to be a man?

Oooooo Ooooooo Oooooooo

The transition in my eyes, clearly I was running behind you as always, was recognized when you stepped out of the dressing room getting sized for prom tux. It wasn't the classic black and white look, or the smart white tie and vest - it was the shoes. We argued about classic black - you know the stupid slick black shoes everyone wore but hated. You would have no part. You wanted the black and white dress shoes - the spectator black and white wedges to be precise. Me, being cheap - tried to dissuade you (for my lifelong cheapness, I apologize). But you pressed and you tried them on. When you exited the dressing room - I saw it. I don't know why or how the shoes did it - but in that moment, they brought together so many random thoughts and memories - I saw who you were. You had become, a man.

So, the shoes were sharp! Sharpest shoes at the prom. Indeed you and Seraina were the best looking couple there - her beautiful white dress and you and the tux, roses setting things off, and of course the shoes! But it was more than that. The shoes completed the realization that you were the man I dreamed of - my son.

You had asked Seraina to prom in an amazing way - showing the romantic in your heart, your creativity and your brawn. You asked her father for the opportunity to take her to prom - was it two weeks before you asked? That took guts! He apparently said yes. You then "popped the question" by asking her to go to lunch with you, blindfolding her and driving to Mount Bonnell. You then apparently carried her up the stairs to the top (I get winded carrying myself up those stairs!). At that point you put her on the cement picnic table and got on your knee and presented a candy ring pop - and asked her to prom. I am glad she said yes!

Will my kids be proud or think their old man is really a square?
(eighteen nineteen)
When they're out having fun yeah, will I still wanna have my share?
(twenty twenty-one)
Will I love my wife for the rest of my life
When I grow up to be a man?

What will I be when I grow up to be a man?

It was the culmination of years, but more particularly, a year of rapid personal growth. You addressed relationships with women - to hold them in honor and purity. You developed the "accountability group" with Terry and others and met regularly to talk guys stuff, be silly and hold each other accountable to Godly standards. It worked and it continued. It seemed like you guys met in Austin on each trip home to meet, talk, laugh and renew commitments. That type of commitment come from a real man.


You addressed your health issues - finally taking your meds regularly, Moving from A's, B's and C's early in school to all A's. Sleep, real rest, allowed you to realize your potential. You further refined the legendary Ian Pogue method of working out, scaring the soccer team, intimidating anyone in the same weight room, on a track or road. Although I was often your workout partner, your father was pretty intimidated too. We worked out aplenty - but you had the pre-workout drink, exercise routine, post-workout recovery - and offset days (leg day, chest day, arm day, yadda yadda day) to get all your body fit. You could leg press a SmartCar - you were a real man. (Mom has always loved the picture of you and Danny flexing and Danny's look of amazement at your size and definition in Junior High! I remember helping make the stick horse out of a broom stick and sock - so you could be the sexy "Old Spice" man. Precious memories!)

You grew in your study of God's Word, worship, and commitment to truth. Your life at work, home and school spoke of this constant striving. Work was challenging - personalities, schedules, customers, hours. But you worked, smiled, chatted, made coffee, chatted more. Made friends with everyone and took care of friends, pizza delivery guys, homeless, etc. You prioritized people and you chose to serve - played in KIDS band - even if it meant getting up ridiculously early on a Sunday morning, moving heavy things to set up the KIDS production set, practicing, playing and then having to scoot off to work for half a day. Serving the kids was just that important. We would sit with Paul and Jesse in the hallway outside the choir room and share. You were open with your struggles, personal (purity, honesty, etc.), healthwise (sleep, headaches, stress), aspirational (what to do with the band, record or go to college, which college, what major). We studied God's Word; we prayed for each other; we held each other accountable. I learned to share my struggles, honestly and openly with you, as my peer, not just my son. We came to know each other, our strengths, weaknesses, besetting sins. We supported each other - we loved each other.

As you can tell from above, your relationships with you Mom and I matured. You joined our conversations. As noted in other blogs, gave wise counsel and challenged me to live like a man. You spent purposeful time with Caylea and Danny - even though your schedule was busy and you had many other options, watching a movie with us (well sleeping through the end of it), visiting Danny in Houston and playing games he liked to play. I can only imagine the texting, the calls, the offline discussions that you had with your sibs every week.

Prom went off without a hitch. You and Seraina looked amazing, were glowing with smiles and apparently danced those shoes off. Your face, your stubble, your smile - those shoes - glow in my memories. Every time I see our rose bushes, I remember you standing there, the man, my son, posing for pictures.

After Prom, Terry and his family had a party for friends. He asked Little Emily Warfield to play for the event. It was late when things started and we loaded up the Bugera, the Trace Elliot and your Musicman and hauled them into the house. You were still in your tux! Soon the coat, the shirt, came off and you put on a t and set up. The band then played and you, Erin and Jacob never sounded so good, or so loud, in such a small venue - a living room. I remember how proud I was to see you leading in creative, constructive fun - and playing like a dream. Mom and I hung out and just watched. We headed out pretty late, but the party went on till morning. You came home full of stories, joy and exhaustion. Then crashed.

Won't last forever

It's kind of sad

Won't last forever

It's kind of sad

Won't last forever

I saw what every parent dreams of - the transition - the stepping out of a child to adulthood, the owning of your life, your issues and situations. I am reminded how John (your namesake) remembered this process of maturing:

I am writing to you, little children,
because your sins are forgiven for his name's sake.
I am writing to you, fathers,
because you know him who is from the beginning.
I am writing to you, young men,
because you have overcome the evil one.
I write to you, children,
because you know the Father.
I write to you, fathers,
because you know him who is from the beginning.
I write to you, young men,
because you are strong,
and the word of God abides in you,
and you have overcome the evil one.
(1 John 2:12-14)

I watched you come to know the Father, know your sins were forgiven for Jesus' Name sake - but then grow to have God's Word abide in your heart and overcome evil with His power. Funny how shoes opened my blind eyes to see you grow up right before them. I miss seeing you continue to "know" more, "abide" more deeply, and "overcome" more. I am thankful to have seen the transition, to have walked with you through it and be able to remember the smile, the giggle, the music, the life - you.

The song continues to count up in age to thirty one. Our memories stopped at nineteen. It is very sad. It makes me very sad that I cannot watch you grow up more, mature more, parent your kids, experience the same joy I felt seeing you become a man. So many memories that I wanted to have, I will not. So many memories that I wanted YOU to have!

Brian Wilson concludes that "it won't last forever" - I think he meant being a child, a teen will end; we all eventually grow up to be adults. Yes, adolescence does not last forever - for most! I am thankful I saw you transition to be a man. Although your time as a man did not last forever on earth (it never will!), it will last forever in our Father's House. In that House, there are many rooms and Jesus went to prepare a place for us there. If He went to prepare a place, he will call us to Himself so that where He is, we will also be. He came and called you too early in my book, but when He called you, you were a man - a man of God - a man I am proud to call my son.

I love you "e" and miss you everyday.

Dad

LIVE MUSIC!!! Stubbs, Emos and Neverending

Ian,

Music – it has been the breath in the lungs of our family, whether it has been in worship (we always have been a ‘pro-drums’ family), recreation, family communication through made-up doggerel, or engaged with the world-class music to inspire our imagination and thoughts. This last form, our family moved from the world of the LP (still have some on your wall), to the cassette, to the CD and ultimately the concert stage has made up so much of our lives. We shared such memorable moments at live concerts. Gotta talk with you about these experiences, remind myself and be thankful.

 To be clear, concerts with you were dialogues – the band and us the audience, but you and me – you always talked my ear off with opinion, comment, background stories, and enthusiastic commentary before, during and after. It was not a time to focus on music, but on relationship. I miss our concert times together.

Live concerts started in Vacaville for our family. Our Junior High Camps at Crossroads Christian Church turned into venues for the leading Christian bands of the day:

…Switchfoot: playing “Learning to Breath” first live in our church

            …Tyrone Wells: performing in his first band from San Diego

                        …Skillet: evolving from “Hey You” to “Invincible” to “Alien Youth”

            …Justified: moving from alternative to Christian “Rage Against”

                                    …Everyday Sunday: providing jangly Christian pop and worship

 

We may have seen many other bands in CA, but the most memorable experiences were what we did together:

…Being roadies for Switchfoot, Skillet and all the others

            …Carrying amps, talking to the bands, seeing people experience God’s presence in worship and service

                        …Watching you, Caylea and Danny dance on stage to the O.C. Supertones

                                    …Locked worshiping together as Ten Shekel Shirt played CA praise

                                                …Helping Anthony find his shoe lost at the POD concert (this was with Danny!)

…Seeing Switchfoot’s signing the “Learning to Breath” poster that stayed on your wall all testify to the memories and fun.

 

Spirit West Coast offered family camping and concerts. With the Scotts we went three times – each event was memorable. The first one was Danny getting signatures from all the bands on his hat. You and Caylea fell asleep at the top of the bleachers on stage left as DC Talk, Audio Adrenaline and Jars of Clay played late into the night. The second was when we saw Skillet and you believed in Jesus in front of the big stage. A whole blog covers that expansive topic. The third trip was with Megan and introducing her to our crazy camping life, purple colored hair and hot CA summers. The campfire time, marshmallows, smores, and light sleep were combined with you, Caylea and Danny developing confidence to go off and do independent activities, get into crowds and actually come back and check in. That independence and confidence served you well.

Concerts opened us up to the unique vibe that link audience to music, the balance between a “plan” and “spontaneity.” Moving to Austin opened new options for music. In CA, we drove the agenda, but in Austin, we road the wave.

…Austin legends on Auditorium Shores – Willie on live video, Kris Kristofferson, Ruthie Foster, Bob Schneider, Bonnie Raitt, Malford Milligan, Guy Forsyth, Eric Johnson,  and others

            …Occasional show at the Cactus (would let you in when under 21 age)

                        …Remedy Drive at Great Hills Youth Camp

                                    …Pre-Stone era Aaron Ivey, Jimmy Ingram band leading worship at camp

                        …Church music was a big part – the worship at Riverbend and the Stone

            …Christmas Eve service where the Stone recorded the live tracks with Todd Agnew

                                    …Of course KIDS band with Paul. More on that in another blog

                                                …The reopening of the Backyard – Carolyn Wonderland, Gary Clark Jr. and others – we just watched each person’s fingers fly across the strings in a blues nirvana

                        …Your own concert at Antones in Jr. High – “I’m So Sick” in another blog.

                                    …Tyron Wells in the old 6^th Street upstairs club and Riverbend – what a big voice. The discussion after reminding him of playing at our church in Vacaville

…The Big Guitar show at Antone’s – Carolyn, Guy, Gary Clark, Double Trouble and then the reuniting of Eric Johnson’s Viva la Musicom band. You, Jimmy and I stood 3 ft from the tone-master weave beauty on the stage.

                                    …Mike Farris – lite up Antone’s and made church happen there! Blew everyone’s minds!

                                    …Little Emily Warfield – will have to cover this separately, but you have Beale Street, Franke’s, multiple East Side bars, Pecan Street Festival, Church on Lake Travis, Houston – so many other spots.

The most common venues for us to see music though were Stubbs and Emo’s. Both allowed under-age participants and they had “the” bands you wanted to see. I can’t certainly list them all, but here are some memories:

            …The Decemberists – it all started in Austin here, Danny came to visit for the first time raving about this band and we made a family event out of it. We were NOT disappointed – great concert. You bought “The Crane Wife” CD and burned on the old white iMac and it played most mornings throughout Jr. High at home!

…Say Anything – the first band I saw with Danny in Austin – and then we shared the music together with them. Great shows; way energetic, lyrics – well…special…

            …Seeing the Silversun Pickups – will always remember being blown away that it was a dude singing those high notes! Lazy Eye live – ‘nuff said.

                        …The screamo phase – with Devil Wears Prada batting cleanup at Stubbs after multiple demon extolling bands. The DWP witness for Jesus was strong – flat impressed me. Very tight, hard and lots of jumping, even from adults. 

                                    …Bob Barney and Naked People playing at Opas!!! Remember Mom giving you $40 for you to pick up CD’s and they were $5/apiece, I think. You were nervous and ask for the CD’s and just gave Bob all $40 for two. Big tip! He was surprised, but obviously in need of funds. Yes, your heart was always open to share.

            …Bullet for my Valentine – the opening bands sucked, really sucked – but these guys laid it down. Hard, tight and fast. You were a sweaty mess and could not stop talking for hours about music, licks, gear – soon the 7 string Schecter ended up in your collection.

                        …So many Emo’s bands – Day to Remember, Escape the Fate, As I Lay Dying, Hawthorne Heights, and on and on.

                                    …Chevelle – that was a fantastic three person thrash and burn concert. The best at Stubbs I think I saw.

            …Jars of Clay at Stubbs – first family Christian concert in Austin, with Danny! Great venue, songs and worship.

Emo’s and Stubbs usually meant Jimmy, Adam, Aaron, Andrew or a combinantion with other friends coming along. Ms. Liggy and I were usually the chaperone, although Judy Lawson sometimes came. For the big concerts, we parked using Ms. Liggy’s passes at Breckenridge Hospital and walked down Red River to Stubbs. I remember the conversations as we walked started out so “Jr. High” – well you were in Jr. High, but you guys really matured and we had great times just walking to and from concerts. Again, it was the relationships that mattered.

Emo’s was always sooooo loud. I would try to get into the music, but it was often bad (to me!) or less than desirable and characterized by screaming. But you and the boys had your shirts off and were dancing, thrashing in the mosh pit till you were drenched with sweat, panting and eager for the next band. My job was buying and supplying water. Stubb’s being outdoors was less stifling, but could be painfully loud too. Once again, sexy shirtless Ian would be dancing right next to the stage – in the middle of it all.

Though shirtless – you always wanted t-shirts. And, you often saved up your money to buy one from the good bands – Bullet my Valentine, Day to Remember (the Pinky and the Brain t-shirt) and others. If you did not buy them, you stole (or borrowed) and old from Danny his old concert t-shirts and wore them. Many of these ended up on our quilts – reminding us of those times. I remember standing behind you at the sales venue and you tested literally every shirt or trinket before deciding. Never fast at decisions, always wanting the perfect memento or gift for yourself or someone else.

Some of your last live music was without me – at ACL, parts of three years. You talked endlessly about the Killers, the Strokes, Chili Peppers, RED, Radiohead, the Used, Stevie Wonder, the Muse, Blue October, Artic Monkeys, Matisyahu, and on and on. The daily reports were filled with vivid recounting of the song sets, the groove, gear, the drums, bass, crowd responses, etc. To hear your exuberance, joy and the thrill in your voice – priceless. As noted previously in a blog, you rated the Stevie Wonder set as the greatest concert you ever saw. His mastery of the songs, dynamics, groove and lyrics coupled with a mind blowing bass player. Just perfect.

So many bands we missed live – that we would have really loved: Mumford and Sons, Cold Play, Maroon 5, Shine Down, The Black Keys, Dave Mathews Band, David Crowder, Fleet Foxes, and others. I don’t know if I can see them without you. Something is just missing. 

The Who turns 50 this year, as do I. They are no doubt finally doing their final, final, farewell tour – the last time around and this time coming to Austin. As you know, they are my favorite band – big fan and always wanted to see them live. Enjoyed playing Pinball Wizard, Sparks, I Can’t Explain, and other songs and with you. It is so hard to think about going to the concert without my concert buddy - that you will not be able to enjoy the concert with us, to talk music in detail, to be in awe of the musicianship, to shout and cheer.

My final “concert” memory was Easter 2013 at the Frank Erwin Center. Watching you worship in purity and heart – arms raised, heart pouring out, joy and tears on your face – that became the essence of concerts for me. This apparently was not your response only at the Stone. John Kelty remembered and was moved by your worship at BreakAway. He saw someone on their knees, arms outreached and sent it to us. That is how he remembered you in worship.

You taught me to not just to listen, but to engage, not just engage, but worship our great God with all we are – together. We did this each week at KIDS in the band, but at the Stone, we worshiped together, imperfect voices, imperfect people, wrapped and completed by God’s grace and energized for His Kingdom to come and will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. You are there now – in the fullness of the Kingdom, Jesus’ presence, in the heart of His will – no doubt in a live concert to end all concerts, praising the King forevermore. 

The Current said about the Decemberists’ new work: What a Terrible World, What a Beautiful World:

“As I age, the soundtrack to my life seems to demand something more grounded. The matter of the world in front of me is both my toddler's morning tantrum and the massacre at Charlie Hebdo. Now, more than ever, I need music to help me manage these realities…” You going home has brought the hardness of life, its sadness, its separation and it’s terribleness into focus into home. Life is hard; tragedy is ubiquitous; we are all touched by it. But, memories, these memories remind me what a beautiful place this world has been and may be again. Life, relationships are eternal. Music and things beautiful remind me of this. John Newton said in his own notes about his hymn Amazing Grace, "O that crown, that kingdom, that eternal weight of glory! We are traveling home to God. We shall soon see Jesus, and never complain of sin, sorrow, temptation or desertion any more."

 

The pain of life, reminds me and creates in me a longing for more. But the beauty of life also creates a similar longing. As C.S. Lewis said,

“The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them,and what came through them was longing. These things—the beauty, the memory of our own past—are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited.”

Life is about more than trinkets in time. You have discovered that, I am sure – life must be expansively defined by its Creator and weighed in value according to its Redeemer. As C.S. Lewis concluded,

“To please God… to be a real ingredient in the divine happiness… to be loved by God, not merely pitied, but delighted in as an artist delights in his work or a father in a son- it seems impossible, a weight or burden of glory which our thoughts can hardly sustain. But so it is.”

Ultimately life is about Good, Glory and God.

What a beautiful world this will be
What a glorious time to be free (Donald Fagen)

Love and miss you,

Dad

OneRepublic - Really? Yes, I am embarrassed - at least its not Taylor Swift!!!

Ian,

I heard a song on the radio today. I thought of you. I watched the video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0rxydSolwU) - and only thought more about you. I must talk about it!

We always talked about my theory of teenagers - that good taste in music is the last thing teens develop. I really tried to start you off right - with the classics of the British Invasion, stylish new wave, popping punk, grunge, alternative, folk even classical. You seemed to catch on early - no teeny bopper music for you. You treasured music - whether Dylan, Red Hot Chili Pepper's, Devil Wears Pradda, or Mumford and Sons. You played Ray Charles when Nate and Nolan were babies - so they would get used to the classics. They HAD to learn about good music!!!

But introducing a OneRepublic song is definitely pushing it! Take a listen, here my stories and see what you think. As I listened to the song, I was reminded that you lived "heart out front, no fear to fall."

"I Lived"

Hope when you take that jump
You don't fear the fall
Hope when the water rises
You build a wall

Hope when the crowd screams out
They're screaming your name
Hope if everybody runs
You choose to stay

Convincing you go jump in and live with your whole heart was never required. It came naturally. Whether you hustled on the basketball court, making steals, passing the ball, trying to dunk or shooting 3-pointers - it was always giving it all you had. That carried over to football - toughest kid on the field, and probably one of the shortest. But your grit, strength and tenacity put you on the field starting as defensive tackle - really??  

But it was on the Ultimate pitch you shined the most. You ran the fastest, jumped the highest and covered your opponents like a man possessed. You seemed to never tire and were always the rock on the teams you played on. It was never just physical skills - you had a drive to give your best. If that meant laying out and missing the disc; guarding the toughest player on the field and they got the best of you; it did not matter. With no fear to fall, you could give your all and be okay win, loose or draw. Well, not draw so much...

I mean you could bench well over 300lbs, leg press a SmartCar, squat - well, something heavy, and run fast - didn't they clock you at a 4.4 sec 40 your senior year? You played more than physically, it was your passion, your heart that set you apart, made you special. People wanted to play on YOUR team, have YOU on their team. You lived life "heart out front, no fear to fall."

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad
The only way you can know
Is give it all you have
And I hope that you don't suffer
But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes
You'll say...

You were always passionate about relationships whether it was friends, girls, family or the homeless person you met at Starbucks. Nothing was too great to give - time, listening ear, money to help. I remember driving you to Manor, Round Rock, yadda yadda just to hang out with friends. You gave your self to music, ball room dancing, sports (see above). I remember the Ball Room dancing presentation with the Bells show. We sat at the back. My pictures of the event were terrible, but we did film it as a movie (not great either due to distance). But the memory in my head - very clear. You and Marrielle danced together, and you picked her up and swung her around you like she weighed nothing - the crowd went wild; we went wild!

You carried Seraina up those stairs to Mount Bonnell to ask her to prom! You did it on your knew with a ring pop! Really??? I remember listening after you went Home to the recordings you and Seraina made - singing Adele duets in your car. Also hearing about your sneaking off campus for lunch, laughing and confiding. You and Terry headed on your lone "road trip" - to New Orleans. The pictures, the stories - yep you had fun. Good clean fun together. Packing memories of a lifetime into days. Finally, your relationships with Terry and rest of your accountability group - you guys held each other up, held each other accountable, supported one another. You lived and loved "heart out front, no fear to fall."

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived

Your exploits at A&M were legendary. How many times did you go Pond Hopping? What was this about your idea to pond hop "naked?" Valentines for all the girls in the dorm? Bring everyone to Austin and it was non-stop experiences - Frisbee at Zilker, rock climbing by the bridge, hiking Mount Bonnell, seeing downtown. I remember looking outside and the fire pit had a flame 10 feet tall coming out of it - scorching leaves of the tree above it n the middle of the summer. You had marshmallows out for smores and snacks. Stories, giggling, belling laughing - late into the night before crashing wherever people could find horizontal surfaces. You were a friend, tour guide, playmate and cruise director. At A&M, stories of your schedule: cardio exercise or running, lift weights, hanging out, studying, A+ tutoring, watching movies, showing Youtubes, playing or teaching the bass, occasionally sleeping, and on and on. You could not slow down.

Aggies turned out in droves to honor your memory - maybe 80 people at Muster, maybe 60 to match the other 60 friends at our house the day before your service. No telling how many out of the 600+ at your service came from College Station. You left a lifetime of love and memory in less than a year on hundreds of people. You lived "heart out front, no fear to fall."

You passionately pursued time with your family. Leaving your phone in the car at meals out - to not be distracted in conversation and time by texts or calls. A great deal of growth considering you could text over 7,000 times a month in Jr. High! You stayed in touch with Danny, visiting him in Houston, playing his games - sharing his interests. How many t-shirts of his did you wear? How many bands did he introduce you to? How many did you introduce him too? You and Caylea always kept close. You two were always like twins! You had your own communication language. Sometimes it was the language of cat's fighting, other times it was just hanging out talking, laughing in one of your rooms or the kitchen. When you road in the car - you always sat in the middle - to see better. Really it was to be in the middle of the conversation, to be near both your siblings, to engage with us in the front seat. Watching a movie, or hanging out in the Pogue Common Room, you would sit right next to one of your family - like touching us - even if there was lots of space on another couch or chair. You never wanted space between your relationship with Mom or I. If a disagreement, you would pursue reconciliation. I miss texting with you each day. Calls, chats, lunches, so so much I miss. In relationships, you always lived "heart out front, no fear to fall."

I know that I always talk about your fitness level - but you wanted to be an exercise physiologist or trainer. So, exercise and being in shape was important to you. Whether it was skates or bikes in Vacaville. Remember making that jump on the hill? You approached it with NO fear and made it. I flinched and missed the jump, landing in the middle. A bit embarrassing for sure. In CA, it was skateboarding, jumps, tricks, sweat dripping down you face and shirt; basketball - working till you could dunk on a 10 foot goal; football, soccer or Ultimate - getting in great shape to give you an advantage on the field. But your fitness fanaticism could get you into trouble; it could be legendary. I remember a story when Mom and I went on a cruise on our 20th anniversary. While we were gone, your running and excessive exercise got the best of you. Your schedule that day was weight lifting at 24 Hour Gym, several full sets, then you ran - 10 miles - you said. (You could exaggerate at times...many times sometimes...). After getting back home, you found you had developed a hernia!! Then you call us - in Italy! Great - besides other issues we had dealt with remotely - we had to figure that one out. 

Thankfully, Momma Jean and Poppa Gene could come down and gave Caylea a hand with your bent-over-self. You insisted on getting surgery quickly - you had to get back in shape! Time was awasting. And you did! I still remember your story about how Poppa Gene drove you home from the hospital. You were tender, and feeling was coming back and he seemed to hit every pot-hole in the road and apparently stopped hard at ever light. Even Caylea said it was uncomfortable - you said it was excruciating. But you were a good trooper and recovered quickly. Mom was so concerned - we had to find reception to Skype with you before surgery. You were still her little man - even if a big guy. Not being near you in surgery was so stressful for her. But you reassured her and all turned out okay. Yep, you lived "heart out front, no fear to fall."

Whoa

Whoa

Whoa

Oh

Oh

Yeah, with every broken bone

I swear I lived

Yeah, with every broken bone

I swear I lived

I looked through some photos of you - so many crazy pictures: the dress up days, stupid things, funny stories, silliness. These go on and on - I guess that the pictures tell a thousand stories showing your method of life, "heart out front, no fear to fall."

 Hope that you spend your days
But they all add up
And when that sun goes down
Hope you raise your cup
I wish that I could witness
All your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes
I'll say...

If it not clear, you loved people and gave your heart to them as well as your strength. Our time on mission in El Salvador illustrated that. We were there a week - but you built a family, new brothers - Cesar and others, new sisters, everyone wanted you to stay. Your family was over a hundred people in number - in a week!!!! The kids wanted to sign your shirt - so you would remember them. I don't know how many messages and names - still hangs in my closet - but I still look on the shirt with awe. It represents people who saw that Jesus was real - by the way you lived your life with them for one short week. It was not about being out front as the leader - you served and were satisfied to do lowly things. You carried heavy things, delivered food, taught guitar,  gave away all your shoes, most of your socks and shirts, shared Jesus - you loved. Your love reflected the Savior and no one forgot it. You continued serving at the Stone. This times it was the Kids. You chose to give your talent on the bass to God - to use. But you didn't just play, you serve the kids each Sunday when not working, or before work. Set up, tear down, playing the bass in the band. No chore too small, you lived "heart out front, no fear to fall."

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived

I guess this song started my mind thinking - remembering what made you tick, how you lived. That you lived with heart - not just passion - but love, concern and compassion. You learned to live without fear - to work hard, to take changes, to put your heart out at risk of being hurt, to serve, give and love not expecting anything in return. No, you were not perfect - you thought your hard work, your exercise, your fitness could make you immune to your narcolepsy. But it did not. Maybe a bit of fear would have helped. Maybe I wish you lived less in the moment and more in the long term - maybe I would still have you? But what is sure - you did not waste your life. It may have been short - to us for sure - but you lived fully each day. Good, bad, mistakes or successes - you lived. You lived fully to your Savior, fully to your family, fully to your friends - lived "heart out front, no fear to fall."

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second
That this world could give
I saw so many places
The things that I did
Yeah, with every broken bone
I swear I lived 

As a family - we would eat together, as a family at least on night a week. Often many times, but always on family dinner nights. I would cook, one of you kids would cook and we would sit down and just eat, talk and reacquaint. Life is so busy, so hectic, so fast. You miss a lifetime in a week. We would sit as five, talk as five, fight as five, love as five. We would share our High's and Low's during this time at a family meal. We would share truthfully what was working in our lives, and what was not. Vulnerability, eating and sharing then movies or a TV show. Malcolm in the Middle - all the episodes, Friends, Smallville, Everybody Loves Raymond, Modern Family, New Girl, and others we would share from start to finish. Time together, a movie, a meal, a show, a musical (to be discussed further later) gave us all such joy - just being five. That was family night.

Ian, thank you for your example. Thank you for showing me how to live, live with my "heart our front, no fear to fall." This type of vulnerability makes me scared. This type of intensity and engagement is hard. This selflessness is not natural. I am fearful, lazy and selfish. But your example helps me see the right way to live. Your memory inspires me to live this way. The hope to meet again spurs me on to love and good deeds. I do wish you had a bit more "fear to fall" - fear that would have kept you on your meds, fear that would have you pull over for a coffee or sleep on the side of the road, fear to not come home until later or the next day when refreshed. But your heart always outweighed your fear. You wanted to see your family. You were coming home. The fear did not figure in. I wish it did and you could be still here.

When Caylea heard the news - when she was able to compose herself - she said something so insightful. "Ian was ready!" You were. For you lived - "heart out front, no fear to fall." Why fear to give all, when your Savior has given you His all and promised you all - eternal life. Indeed, you continue to live "heart out front, no fear to fall" but now at Home. Can't wait to see you someday.

Love, 

Dad