Ian's Inheritance and Ours

Thank you Lord that by the gift and power of Your grace lavished through Your Son Jesus, Ian lives even though he died. Thank you that Ian is now experiencing the living hope provided through the resurrection of Jesus, where faith becomes sight to what no eye has seen, or ear heard, or mind imagined - the eternal blessings You have prepared for those who love You. Thank you that today Ian fully experiences the inheritance of a son of God, a joint heir with Jesus, an inheritance imperishable, undefiled, unfading and reserved in heaven for Ian and all your children who were sealed in Christ by the Holy Spirit as a down payment of this promised inheritance and are being conformed into Your image Jesus through Your action in the midst of life, and even its suffering. Ian was not just chosen and predestined by You to this inheritance, but called, justified and now glorified in Your very presence where he is eternally safe in Your hands, experiencing the fullness of Your presence and glorious character. Ian is, as all believers are, part of Your eternal inheritance, Your eternal family, Your eternal plan summing up all things under one head, Jesus. Ian's experience is that of all the saints of old and will be the experience of all believers yet to be united in Your presence. The question is when in Your plan do we join Ian. I am ready ...

Faith, connecting the now to eternity:

Heb. 11:1, 6

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see...And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He is and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him. 

Mark 9:24

Immediately the father of the boy cried out and said, "I believe; help my unbelief!"

I get this father's response - seeing the situation that his boy is in, the audacity of Jesus' promises, and the limitations of my faith. My faith is limited only until it is set upon the limitless One. But that is a challenge for people such as myself ... I miss my music man!

Eternal facts for weary faith to rest upon:

John 10:27-30

[Jesus said] "My sheep listen to my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish; no one will snatch them from my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all, and no one can snatch them from my Fathers hand. The Father and I are one.” 

John 11:25-26

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live a even if he dies, and the one who lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?” 

Ephesians 1:3-6

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as hechose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved.

Ephesians 1:13-14

And when you heard the word of truth (the gospel of your salvation)- when you believed in Christ - you were marked with the seal of the promised Holy Spirit, who is the down payment of our inheritance, until the redemption of Gods own possession, to the praise of his glory.

Galatians 4:5-7

to redeem those who were under the law, so that we may be adopted as sons with full rights. And because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, who calls “ Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave but a son, and if you are a son, then you are also an heir through God.

Romans 8:14-18

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are the sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery leading again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption, by whom we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself bears witness to our spirit that we are God's children. And if children, then heirs (namely, heirs of God and also fellow heirs with Christ) - if indeed we suffer with him so we may also be glorified with him. For I consider that our present sufferings cannot even be compared to the glory that will be revealed to us.

Romans 8:28-31

And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose, because those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters. And those he predestined, he also called; and those he called, he also justified; and those he justified, he also glorified. What then shall we say about these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

1 Peter 1:3-5

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! By his great mercy he gave us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, that is, into an inheritance imperishable, undefiled, and unfading. It is reserved in heaven for you, who by God's power are protected through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time.

1 Corinthians 2:9-10

But just as it is written, “Things that no eye has seen, or ear heard, or mind imagined, are the things God has prepared for those who love him.” God has revealed these to us by the Spirit. For the Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.

Ephesians 1:18-20

- since the eyes of your heart have been enlightened - so that you may know what is the hope of his calling, what is the wealth of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and what is the incomparable greatness of his power toward us who believe, as displayed in the exercise of his immense strength. This power he exercised in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms...

Ephesians 1:4-6

For he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world that we may be holy and unblemished in his sight in love. He did this by predestining us to adoption as his sons through Jesus Christ, according to the pleasure of his will - to the praise of the glory of his grace a that he has freely bestowed on us in his dearly loved Son.

Ephesians 1:9-10

He did this when he revealed to us the secret of his will, according to his good pleasure that he set forth in Christ, toward the administration of the fullness of the times, to head up all things in Christ - the things in heaven and the things on earth. 

In all my sorrows, Jesus is better - make my heart believe

In all my victories, Jesus is better - make my heart believe

Than any comfort, Jesus is better - make my heart believe

More than all riches, Jesus is better - make my heart believe

Our souls declaring, Jesus is better - make my heart believe

Our song eternal, Jesus is better - make my heart believe 

(AustinStone Worship)

Thanks to Matt Carter, Pastor at the Austin Stone for wisdom and messages on this topic

I want you to know his name!

Every parent brings to their children their identity, their name, their background - for better or worse. Indeed, having kids initially feels like an extension of these things - they now bear my image, to a degree, my personality, to another, and of course my name. This changes as children grow up. The circle of friends and acquaintances that parents associate with usually shrinks with regards to former, non-child having, people and expands and centers on people - parents and families - that share this defining factor: we have children. In this new circle, it is interesting how parents of strong individual identity and qualification become more and more associated with their children. No longer you are [insert your name!] with a degree after your name, but [your name] , [your kid’s name] Mommy or Daddy. This transition becomes more pronounced as your children enter and leave kindergarden, up through high school and beyond. You are, to a large part of your world, simply the mother or father of another. Although we are often driven by people recognizing us, accepting us, knowing us - as parents, that the primary association and identity is with your children is just fine. Indeed, a parent puffs up when he/she is referred to with relation to their children - even those with struggles - for they are a living extension of their parents. We want our children to go forth, be known and take joy and pride in them. We look forward to their lives to grow and eclipse our own.

God seemed to know this. His Son was born in obscurity, yet He sent the heavenly chorus to sing and announce His birth to those who would listen. He revealed the mystery of the child to faithful followers who blessed Jesus as an infant. After living 30 or so years "behind the scenes", Jesus burst forth at His baptism in full fledged ministry. God rejoiced over His Son and showered His Spirit upon Him as He proclaimed, "This is My Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." This statement did not just herald the Son's dual role as Servant and King, but was the expression of the Father's heart toward His Son. This word "Beloved" is used in both the Gospels and Epistles of Jesus. Indeed, every child needs to hear this cry of joy over them by their parents. To say, "This is Danny, my beloved son in whom I am well pleased." "This is Caylea, my beloved daughter, in whom I am well pleased." "This is Ian, my beloved son, in whom I am well pleased." Regardless of performance, attitude or outcome, parents are or need to be rejoicing over their children. "The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17.

God also proclaimed His joy for His Son as Jesus approached the cross and sought that God's Name would be glorified. After Jesus' passion and resurrection God promised that Jesus' Name is not just understood by Him and believers, but by all people of all times. That at the Name of Jesus, every knee will bow and tongue confess that He is Lord to the glory of God the Father. Indeed, praise to our kids, remembering our kids, acknowledging our kids is the highest form of joy and glory for a parent. 

I now understand why there are so many gold plaques - I used to think they were just born of hubris (and sometimes thye may be) but often it is parents, families who have lost someone special and they do not want people to forget the name of their beloved. I know that Danny and Caylea will continue to establish their names. I will see their influence and impact expand and rejoice over this. But I am fearful that people will forget Ian's name. That they will move on. I cannot. I know that it is normal and healthy for Ian's friends to move on, for nephews and nieces to grow up and have their memories of Ian grow dim. It is natural to find other relationships, not live in grief, to grow and find other identity. I did when Scotty died. Why not Ian’s friends and family? Well in this case it is my son!! I don't want his name, influence, value and presence to go away or grow dim.

I will not have new pictures of Ian. I take great joy in those I have. I desire intensely to hear new stories about Ian as I did this last week in College Station. Stories of joy, laughter and ice cream; stories of gummy worms and Doritos for dinner; stories of friendship, working out, love and giving. I am so proud of all my kids. They give such joy to my heart. I know they bless people they meet and know. I want Ian to continue to bless his friends, his family, even strangers. 

I want you to know his name!

Stone

Meditations on the Castle at Guimarães

Hard and cold, 

Brought forth from the earth, 

Brittle, abrupt, angular shape

Breaking as it falls

To pieces

Shaped and cut, 

Supporting great form

Soaring great heights, of extreme mass

Stability is

Foundation

Carved and set

Yielding supple forms

Beauty from pick and hammer

Dreams reflected in 

Hardened form

Cracked and worn

Old as earth around

Repurposed, reused, relocated

Transformed into new 

Living on

Eroded

Every mark removed 

Each memorial torn down

Formless and littered

On the ground

Dust we are

To dust we return

Time washes away memory

Love and loss mingle

In grief

Breath and dreams

Used to build and mold

Only to break, waste away

Is life with the stone

Or the stars?

Living Stone

Bright Morning Star

Life is unyielding as the stone

Unreached as the sky

Forlorn?

Living Hope

In the Master's hands

Molded into masterpieces

Becoming living stones

Build upon Another

An eternal home

Taco More

Ian,

You always had a knack for research and finding hidden value. But I honestly didn't believe it when you first told us. In the foodie city of Austin, when a group rated the top restaurants, Taco More sat near the top - bested only by 2 or 3 places that were >$100 a plate. Further, you said a person could get completely full at Taco More for $5! This sounded a bit too good to be true. Was it another exaggeration in the mind our teenage son? Such extrapolations of facts to fancy were fairly common during Ian's early high school days. Taco More is an unimpressive place, a thrown together restaurant in an old building with a covered patio to catch overflow traffic. Upon seeing it, my first thought was our favorite Mexican restaurant in Vacaville - we were often the only English speakers in the restaurant - including many of the servers who would take our orders by numbers and drink names. Loved that place, loved our family times there - I would try the new one.

Ian and his friends had ferreted out Taco More as a place apparently close enough for a quick lunch run during or snack after school. Getting tacos for $1.25 or so a piece fit into a high schooler budget. Understood those economics. But  meriting to be named among the "best" in Austin - never! Well, Ian was emphatic in this assertion and convinced his Mom, sister and I to come along. We incredulously looked at the menu - it surprised me as it looked like a taco joint in Monterrey. Pastor, lengua, cabrito, and other more common names suggested the genuine articles and captured our curiosity. Ian showed us how to order. Lanette suggested we work to order in Spanish as we prepared for the El Salvador mission trip. That worked well for the three of them - not so much for me! Ian took the lead showing us the soup-like salsa, warm and flavorful, the chips and, to him, the most important part: the salsa bar (pictured above). He would whip up a concoction of two red and a green sauce that tasted good, but would remove paint from the wall. He always like hot and salty food. From a toddler liking salsa, to a teen passing up candy for chips and salsa. The taco's were served with Mexican Coke and we all were satisfied, yes even impressed. The flavors were rich and portions plentiful. Ian beamed! He was quick to show us the ticket - the family could eat for less than $15. We were instructed to leave a generous tip by Ian, as he told us of he and his friends habit here. Ian knew and respected the value of the server and their need for reward, learning first from his brother then directly as a barista at Starbucks. (Sometimes he had to be restrained from leaving extravagant tips for his budget even.)

Well that Spring and Summer as we prepared for El Salvador (the picture above shows Caylea and Ian "preparing" for the mission trip), returned from the mission trip, hosted Danny's visits - we were frequent customers. And it just continued as Danny moved to Austin and on through the years. Saturday's for brunch was our favorite time - we could catch up on each other's weekly activities, weekend plans, laugh at the funny things, complain, argue and be ourselves there. There was something very satisfying about the eating experience beyond good food and prices. I think it was that there was no pretension there: real food, real people served and ate with us, and real conversation flowed there. That was Ian - he sought real people, experiences and life. Nothing shallow. 

Taco More saw Ian grow up - advance through physical relationships, focus on spiritual ones, move to want to serve God on mission, on the concert stage, in the college dorm. Taco More was an incubator for our family to interact, grow together, share and draw close. With Danny not living with us, it was a common gathering place - where interaction was the focus, not just food, not a screen or sporting event. The importance of the place was seen as an ever growing orbit of friends were invited to eat there - just as teens, or with the family. This was Ian's restaurant - his place of discovery and sharing. 

Easter 2013 - The Stone was hosting a single Easter service at the Erwin Center - its third (pic above). Ian brought Brenda from College Station. They had grown very close and hung out with each other almost constantly that Spring. Lanette and I would hang out with them at Pot Belly, Maroon and White Game and working out at the Rec only a week or two later during Parent's Weekend. Lanette and Caylea trained and served with KidStuff at the Stone that Sunday. Since the girls were working with the kids and Danny was not attending that Sunday, it was Ian, Brenda and I attending the "big service." Brenda had come to Austin with Ian on more than one occasion, but always with the TAMU herd, and had attended the Stone. But seeing 12-15,000 people rocking for Jesus in the stadium was cool and powerful. I guess a big Breakaway event could match the size, but it was impressive to all of us. People there were serious about Jesus and sought him through the whole time there. Ian sang at the top of his lungs. I couldn't really hear in the chorus of voices, but knew it  was a joyful noise. Hands raised, eyes closed, voice aloud and heart engaged - the boy knew how to worship his King. He also could not stop talking in the service! We talked about the number of people, the decibels, the worship songs, the message and the friendly people. 

After the service, we met Lanette and Caylea outside the Center as they finished with the Kids. We discussed where to go and eat. Somehow, the topic of authentic Mexican food came up and Brenda clearly stated that she doubted Austin had anything "real" but thoroughly lived up to its Tex-Mex reputation. Brenda, being from the Border, was an expert. Ian took immediate exception. He promised that he could produce an authentic Mexican dining experience; we must only go to Taco More. So it was decided - meet at Taco More for the big test. We separated and Brenda asked me to take some pictures of the two of them. Ian wore his favorite shirt, the long sleeve reddish/maroon one, and they posed so that the State Capital was behind them. I snapped pictures that I treasure, remembering the smiles, the laughs and conversations that surrounded them. 

We rode to Taco More in my car - Ian played DJ with a phone. I do not remember the songs. But think he was playing the new Indie bands he was gravitating towards on YouTube. We arrived. I think Brenda could see from the outside, this place was for real. We sat inside - very rare occurrence - but it was Easter and everyone was dressed nicely and the place was hopping. Mexican cokes, waters, and some other traditional drink were ordered along with tacos and a torta - for Brenda. Ian was quick to show the salsa bar. How proud he was to share his favorite place with his friend. How his face lit up as Brenda expounded on the virtues, the "authenticity" of the food and her surprise. Caylea and Brenda talked and enjoyed getting closer. Ian laughed, smiled, glowed and talked and talked and talked. How I wish I could remember the words. How I never want to forget that voice, that chuckle, the belly laugh. I remember his big, reddish, curly, bouncy hair. His scraggly red beard was a cool length. His build filled out that once large shirt on him and his thighs, those thighs that would donate so much life, bulged in his best pants that his Mom found him and got taken up to fit him so well. There he sat - our son, a mix of Nette and I, personality and features, and so much love enveloped him from family and friends. Vibrant life sat across from me. There was more to the trip than Taco More - visiting perhaps Zilker, Mt. Bonnell, other favorite places, shared with Brenda. The selfie pictures exude the vibrant life of Ian that fills all our minds and memories.

Couldn't go back to Taco More for over 6 months after April. Finally, Danny convinced me to go. Nette and Caylea have not been back since. It is still serves great food. But it is not the same. I now go to Taco More to be with my sons - Danny and Ian. I love to hear Danny order in Spanish, to talk of his favorite taco, to prepare HIS special sauce from the bar, to chat and just hear his voice and watch his features. Each time I go, I reflect on each previous visit to Taco More. The first one, ones with Ian and friends, ones with all five of us on a Saturday morning, the last one with Brenda. I hear Ian's ordering in stuttering Spanish, his laugh, his joy, his voice in my head. I feel not so alone there. It is sad, but it is joyful - an odd mingling. I think that is what grief really is. It is the collision of the joy of life, what we value, what we desire and dream, what we hope for crashing into what is missing, what goes unheard, unseen. It is memory and reality pressed together tightly, so tightly, that it hurts in your soul. Tears come at these moments - and why not? These are tears of memory and moving on, of thanksgiving and loss, of joy and sadness, of hope and despair all mingled together. As Nette has written much better than I, these are most of all tears of love, a song of love.

Ian, thank you for Taco More. Thank you for all the precious memories that haunt me - in good, grieving and loving ways. God, thank you for Ian - thank you for hope that mitigates grief with expectancy. I don't know if there is Mexican food in heaven - it is not specified at the wedding feast of the Lamb. But, if You ask our family, we suggest it be added to the menu! I look forward to sharing a meal with you one day, with a salsa bar perhaps? and remembering our time together in body and in spirit, our experiences of God's great grace. I can't imagine that it will be without tears. For memory and reality will be pressed together in a new way - into a new eternal experience and love and joy. And there, love and maybe tacos will be shared again - face to face.

Love you "E",

dad

Preach the Word - Ian!!!

Ian,

Mom always said you would grow up to be a counselor or preacher. I can attest that you are both - but I will think a bit more about the preacher in you in this blog. Anyone who knows you could tell of your knack of delivering truth when people needed to hear it, always constructively and with compassion. You started young; remember leading us all in "Jesus Loves Me" at Yosemite - I think you were 3! Friends with relational problems, people asking advice, your dad dealing with his demons - you were always speaking the truth and encouraging people to walk in it. There are many stories to tell here, but will focus on two.

Parent's Weekend at A&M 2013, Mom and I came to visit. We have written about the great time we enjoyed with you elsewhere, but I have to recount some highlights for my own joy. The giggling and joking shared in our B&B room, dinner at Pot Belly and seeing Brenda there, breakfast with the international studies group ("Where are you going to study ('abroad' - implied), Ian?" "I'm studying at A&M..." you responded), walking through the A&M Mother's Club exhibits and playing the raffles, eating at the trailers, going to the Maroon and White Game with your friends, working out, hearing your frustrations about your friends, seeing what "the true definition of white trash" is, going to church together, shopping at Best Buy, getting the Hulk, Thor, etc. USBs, eating at Laine's, kissing you goodbye in the parking lot as you headed to tutoring - so many wonderful memories. But as I think of you and the Word, one really sticks out. 

 We wanted you to find a church home in College Station - ever since we went there first in the Summer for Gateway - we tried churches. Your response was often, "Dad, we rock harder in Kid's Stuff at the Stone than that church." or "That was not a strong message." Ultimately, Breakaway was your church as it is for so many Aggies. Well, that Sunday in April, we headed to a church - after you and Mom had a great time sharing your trashcan video and shopping in the grocery store. Nico played the drums in the church worship band and the worship music was pretty good. The message was from the Old Testament and the preacher was trying to say, according to you he did this poorly, that God has given us everything we need to live out the Christian life. I must admit, it was a bit muddled. After the service, we left the building and you were adamant that the preacher really used the wrong Scripture to get this message across, that the message was unclear and could have been, should have been very clear. Then you reminded Mom and I of 2 Peter 1:

"His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature... For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith with virtue, and virtue with knowledge, and knowledge with self- control, and self- control with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, and godliness with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection with love. For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sins...for if you practice these qualities you will never fall. For in this way there will be richly provided for you an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." (vs. 3-11)

I don't remember if you quoted all of this (probably not, because that is a load), but you really dug into the first part. That God had called and given us EVERYTHING we need for life and godliness through His precious and very great promises through which we can be like Him and grow into His character. You preached to Mom and I for probably 15 min as we walked to the car and drove to Best Buy. You explained how great our God is, how much clearer the point, that took so long to get to in the message at church and was really unclearly presented, was CLEAR in this Scripture and that the preacher should have used it. Well, that message was clearly delivered by you!!! 

Indeed, those precious and very great promises have been the lifeline that Mom, Caylea, Danny, and our family and friends, and I have leaned upon since you went Home. The truth that God is in control, that He has gifted us with everything that we need in His Son, that His Word is sufficient, that it is true - has made this very hard road something that we can navigate. Although it has been very hard. I remember the encouragement you gave me in Laine's as I let my codependency express and frustrate you and Mom - that God was enough, that He has a plan, that He gives power to walk and live differently. I apologize for my poor example. I am thankful for your clear and fervent faith in God's truth - you were both preacher and counselor then. I need faith, virtue, knowledge, self-control, steadfastness, godliness, brotherly affection and love. I want these qualities added to my character and regularly expressed in my life. Your words encourage me to pray, seek God and believe His precious and very great promises that these will become my character. 

The promises about you, that you walk with Jesus, that He prepared a place for you, that He came to get you, that we will be reunited one day, these are very precious and more than very great. They are the breath in my lungs and the beat of my heart. I know that this is the truth for Mom and our family and your friends. Life is so much less full, fun, joyful, varied, unpredictable, warm, etc. without you with us. The hope to see Jesus, to be reunited one day, is the wind necessary to keep this ship moving in very stormy waters and not quit and just sink. You were more right than you could have known during that message to Mom and I - God has given us all things we need for living a godly life to have hope when life is torn from us in His precious and very great promises. I confess that I have been nearsighted and need to apply myself with renewed energy to see that these godly qualities are mine and increasing. This this way, I walk in the steps of our Savior. I also walk in your steps and example. You preached the qualities of love (and the other qualities) with your words, but more with your life - actions, priorities, use of time, first responses to struggles, prayers, etc. You saw that these qualities were increasing in your life all the time. No wonder that the entrance into the eternal kingdom of Lord and Savior was so richly provided to you. Thank you Ian for preaching the Word with your words and your life!

I miss your preaching to me. I miss your encouragement, occasional rebuke, our sometimes maddening discussions (and arguments) and your abundant opinions about everything. I feel like life is so quiet, so empty and so long. But then, there you are preaching the Word to me afresh - encouraging me not to quit and to press on to the high calling of my Lord. Brenda gave us one of those messages from you after you went Home. I often reflect on it - its simplicity, its truth and its timeliness. 

"I know that [things] coming up soon that are worrying you. Just remember that God is on your side, rely on Him and anything is possible. But also that there is no reason to worry because when you put your trust in Jesus, when in doubt and struggle, He not only hurts through the pain with you, but He is the ultimate source of hope to overcome whatever matter lays beneath you."

The actual words chosen reflect your age and your dexterity with texting (you were very good at texting, 3,000 texts one month - was that right?). But the wisdom is based on years believing in, thinking about and living out those precious and very great promises of God - the truth that He has given us. The truth that you could not be shaken from. The truth that will guide us safely Home. 

I know that things are coming up soon that are worrying you - "In this world you will have tribulation, but take heart, I have overcome the world." Just remember that God is on our side - "If God is for us, who can be against us?" Anything is possible - for us because of "Him who can do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think." There is no reason to worry - "Let not your hearts be troubled, you believe in God, believe also in me." When we put our trust in Jesus in doubt and struggle - "we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed." He not only hurts through the pain with you - by being "numbered with the transgressors" and "bearing our griefs and carrying our sorrows." He is the ultimate source of hope to overcome whatever matter lays beneath you - "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation or distress...No in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."

Ian, you were born to be a preacher. You preached the Word of God with your life, with your words, when on earth or when Home, whether I saw you, texted with you, talked with you, or read texts or listened to messages or music in this past year. You certainly were not perfect - subject of a future blog? - but you are my example how to know, rely on and live out God's precious and very great promises in such a way that you were richly provided an entrance into the Kingdom of our precious Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I cling to these promises and to the cross that bought them for us. I will remember and cling to the Blessed Hope we have in Jesus:

But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. Philippians 3:20-21

Love you “E”,

Dad

Lucy's Home!!!

Ian,

Remember coming home March 8th last year? Mom and Caylea had been searching for a dog for more than a week - introduce the "get a pet" into the conversation and they were all over the internet. Soon, the idea was cemented - an Aussie like Indy, only miniature. After reviewing pics of tri's, blue's and red's  - it was quickly settled, find a red merle puppy! You and I only had the power to agree, for once your sister was clear on the goal - puppy pics were flying to Mom's computer and a breeder was quickly identified with her last puppy - a red merle a little more than 3 mos old - interestingly born 11/28/12 (You and Mom continue the monthly "28" tradition in December and January!). Caylea was unable to see the puppy on a Friday night, but you traveled back from College Station to visit that weekend and to drive with us down 290 to meet the breeder at a Sonic. Once there, you and I approached her car and she revealed - Lucy!! It was love at first sight. You immediately picked her up, helped her walk around in the sparse grace at the edge of the parking area, and convinced us that this was THE dog we needed to have as a family. Hard to say "no" to your broad smile, your heartfelt giggles and laughs as Lucy won our hearts! You posed with Lucy for her first picture as a member of the family. Your beard and her fur - pretty close match in color! You loved playing with her each time you visited home. She grew up quickly. Mom and Caylea pose with her on the UT campus as a little older puppy - she is so cute.

Lucy really misses you - I know it. She really feels the hole your "going Home" left in our family. She was with Caylea when she heard the awful news. Since that moment, she has sought to heal our hearts with her presence, nearly constant licking and close attention - especially to Mom. Lucy is very sensitive - feels our pain as we weep, tries to make things better however she can and has been struggling to control her feelings and "be her own dog." One day this Summer, Mom and I needed emotional relief and stopped by Austin Pet's Alive to pet puppies. What can make you feel better than petting puppies - right? We soon were drawn to Lucy's sister, Roxea - a black Boarder Collie mix. It took Caylea only a minute to see that she was her dog! Roxea is so sweet, so fun to play and watch, and so energetic. Although fun, Roxea ended up being another stress-er in Lucy's life. A testament to the struggle Lucy was having without you - a great puppy becoming a stress-er.  Well Roxea moved with Caylea to Houston and has proven to grow in energy and creativity - she ate parts of  Caylea's new apartment - Bummer! So, we put her and Lucy into the Austin Dog School - Roxea to learn basic commands and Lucy to gain independence, confidence and "be her own dog."

Lucy was gone for two weeks! We were thrilled to have her come home! We really missed her and have really enjoyed walking, petting and being with her since she is back. I can imagine your excitement to see see Lucy, more confident, more obedient, more fun and more grown up. Look at how confident she looks up at the camera - our pretty girl!!! It is has been great having her home. Roxea is back home too - but with Caylea. She is more fun, more bouncing (and coordinated) and obedient than ever.

Couldn't help but really struggle this last week - Lucy is home; you are not - well, at our home. I keep thinking you are at A&M, thinking you are hanging with friends, thinking I will see the "Hulk" Honda in our driveway any day. I wanted to talk about the SuperBowl Halftime show with you - Bruno Mars was very cool, great pacing of songs and the build up to the the Chili Peppers landing on stage was brilliant (to quote Arther on "Cabin Pressure")! The Peppers were indeed hot! and you would have loved the groove Flea laid down to "Give it Away." It was a highlight to an overall runaway game. The real SuperBowl was the Seahawks versus your 49'ers two weeks ago. Almost...that will be THE rivalry for the next few years in the NFL. I remember the walks we would take with Indy and Charlie - around our neighborhood, through the park. I want to show off Lucy to you. I know you are so proud of her. She is confident and she is fun. It is so hard to have Lucy home and not have you home too. But, I must remember that you ARE Home - in our Father's House, not ours. I am very jealous of Him having all of you and your time - and a bit pissed off with that arrangement too.

You would think that I would be getting used to your new living conditions - Home, not home - but I really only miss you more every passing day. I miss your texts, your calls, throwing the Frisbee with you, receiving your musical hints, being corrected in the weight room, having encouragement to run (I finally listened - I ran 3 miles and walked 3 more Saturday!), seeing your big smile, hearing your belly laugh and throaty giggle, feeling your bear hugs, teasing you about your big unruly hair, talking about school, dreams, your latest obsession, visiting with you and your friends on a weekend, griping at you to check your car oil, seeing you order a HUGE order of chicken nuggets after seeing a McDonald's commercial during the Olympics, listening to you play the bass, and it goes on and on. It is so hard to see Bessie alone, see your Music Man silent, your room unoccupied. I know that Mom and I are just flat brokenhearted. I know Danny and Caylea miss you more deeply than ever. Again, it is hard to have Lucy come home and not have you come home!

Jesus spoke of your new Home as Heaven, Paradise and My Father's House. I try to imagine Jesus telling me: “Your heart must not be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me. In My Father’s House are many dwelling places; if not, I would have told you. I am going away to prepare a place for you. If I go away and prepare a place for you, I will come back and receive you to Myself, so that where I am you may be also...I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one can come to the Father except through Me." (John 14:1-6) I have struggled with my heart being troubled lately, missing you, fearful of more time passing without you with us. Similar to the Lego Movie's theme, I must BELIEVE (and this is not just a cat poster statement) - but not just believe, but believe in Jesus - He is our life. Believe that what I do not see is more real than what I do see; believe that our sufferings on earth are "light and momentary" compared with the glory you have entered in and we will soon follow; believe that you are fine, at Home in our Father's House; believe that we can put one foot in front of the other and survive, maybe one day thrive; believe that Jesus will come soon to reunite our family together; believe in the hero's "Well Done!" that went up as you opened that front door entering our Father's House.

I do believe; I do trust Jesus. I guess that I am learning that faith and great sadness can co-exist. That I can believe and remain brokenhearted. Every thing, every experiencee makes me miss you more. I do not see this changing. A Grief Share email reminded me:

"That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever." (2 Cor. 4: 16-18).

I guess that is it - must not give up for we have a hope that outweighs our pain. We must believe and embrace the reality that sadness, a broken heart - these are real, but these are not forever. We have a blessed hope in Jesus. A mysterious glory awaits us that will wipe away our tears, make our pain make sense and replace sadness with joy and praise. This glory will last longer than your bass soloing, than sharing a movie, lifting weights, than weekend at A&M, than even a lifetime with you. This glory will be an eternity that we share together with Jesus. Maybe we can "play football" as Audio A sang in our "Father's House" - actually, I just want to toss the disc with you- I miss that. You know this glory, I want to know it too.

So, Lucy is home; you are Home. I am not not. I am in still in transition. That is probably why life simply does not fit; why it is so incomplete without our whole; why life is such an intermingled mess of joy, sadness, hope and tears. I will look toward our hope in Jesus, the hope we share with you, and choose to believe.

Ian - I love you; I miss you.

Dad

As a Family, at Lake Tahoe and Yosemite

Ian,

After you went Home, Mom, Danny, Caylea and I discussed where we want to rest when we follow you Home - remarkably all were united in opinion - Mount Bonnell, looking over the Austin skyline, and Lake Tahoe, a very special place in our family's life. All your family and close friends solemnly honored you on Bonnell after your Celebration Service; the place where you carried Seraina to the top to ask her to prom with a candy ring pop. (By the way--How did you carry her up all those stairs?!? I can barely walk up by myself.) Bonnell was the place you took all your friends, from Austin, from A&M, from CA to see your city - so many memories there. This week, Mom, Danny, Caylea, the Mundells and I honored you at Emerald Bay - the most beautiful point on Lake Tahoe - as your birthday passed on December 28. Your family will follow you soon, to Bonnell, to Tahoe - unless Jesus returns first.

Why Tahoe? Mom, Danny, Caylea, you and I first came to Tahoe soon after we moved to Vacaville - staying at a timeshare on the South Shore beach. I remember it snowed one Sunday morning and you, Caylea and Danny were so excited to see actual snow coming down - on a beach!!! Maybe that was the start of your habit of dancing in the rain - I remember you and your brother and sister running, dancing, catching snow and making snow angels on the beach. God blessed us with the cutest kids ever! We returned to Tahoe and then went to Reno another year. We found Reno to be a "sad" sort of city full of only gambling and little to do as a family.  One highlight was you hanging up your clothes all by yourself and posing for a picture. So adorable!

Remember going to Circus Circus? You, Caylea and Danny did your first "gambling" to win stuffies (stuffed animals). How you loved stuffies, from Max, to your dragon, to monkeys to the A&M sock monkeys. Tahoe in your elementary years was dominated by skiing at Donner (primarily), sledding trips with the Mundells and Junior High camps (attending with your brother!). You loved skiing down the greens and blues at Donner - fearless and you loved the front slopes and occasionally the backside of the mountain when it was not too cold. Mom and I would take you guys out of school probably once a year and then maybe another weekend to ski and enjoy the snow. Mom tried skiing, but it wasn't her cup of tea. But she loved to take pictures and celebrate with her kids as you came down the slopes. I can see her smile and the reciprocated grins on your faces! We took Kelsi and Kurtis with us skiing too - I think twice, including once after we moved to TX. Our family skied as Kelsi and Kurtis learned to snowboard. We didn't go to North Lake Tahoe as a family - Mom and I found ourselves there by accident in a timeshare once and then with the church Jr. High leadership. South Lake was our family place.

My most vivid memory skiing was riding the Donner lift with you and Caylea, one on each side of me (neither of you liked being in the middle without a seat arm to hold on to when the lift rocked!). A brother and sister (who was ~6 years old) rode in front of us that time up the hill. Their parents waved to them from the bunny slope below to get off the lift on the low slope - the older brother jumped off, but the little sister did not. We shouted promises to the parents to watch out for the girl as she headed to the top of the mountain!!! On the top, we realized (as she fell coming off the lift) that the little girl had little clue with regards to skiing. We tried and tried to get her to ski, each time failing. I then handed my poles and skis to you and Caylea to take down the hill and I carried the girl and her gear down the hill, in knee deep snow. To say the least, delivering the girl to her parents was a joy - but I was exhausted. I then caught our breath, joined you, Caylea and Mom for food and drinks in the Ski House and got rejuvenated to ski some more that afternoon.

There are lots of other memories sledding, especially setting up slalom runs with the Jr. High group at Sierra Pines, jumping over curves, sleeping while the Jr. High worshiped and listened to messages. But the most memorable event was you sledding with Kurt Mundell off Hwy 80 on an old bunny ski slope turned sled run. While Indy and Shelby barked and complained as we sledded ("Can't you see it is cold here and you are getting wet!!!"), you and Kurt started at the top with Kurt sitting behind you on the sled. Mom, Danny, Caylea, the Mundells and I sat at the bottom of the hill watching a mom lead her young child across the sledding hill - right into your's and Kurt's pathway. We screamed warnings at the mom and watched in horror as you and Kurt upended the kid, sending his boots 20+ feet in the air. Believe it or not, Mom caught this on film! The mom and dad rushed to the child as he lay in the snow - the father yelling at the mother for her carelessness for minutes after. Thankfully, the kid was fine. I imagine Indy and Shelby were thinking - these humans are crazy!!!

The last trip to Tahoe was most memorable. We were getting ready to move to TX - life was going to really change for us. You, Caylea, Mom and I went to South Lake with Becky Fickess and Chris Voight for a long weekend camping trip. We camped at Zephyr Cove. We had a blast - cooking with Chris, games with Becky, hiking around as a family. We did a "mock" wedding on the Lake for Becky and Chris. You were the "best man." It was Summer and we went to Emerald Bay, looking at the beautiful scene, climbing on the rocks and being amazed at God's creation. We took pictures, laughed, joked and celebrated our life in CA with our close friends. It was a great way to end our time in CA - camping, joy and celebration in South Lake Tahoe. We continued to visit and enjoy the Voights - as they married, moved to Tulsa and adopted Avery. They each love you dearly!!!

Yosemite is our family favorite National Park - lots of memories there. Our family visited Yosemite three times while in CA - the first time you were 2.5 years old!! We camped in the Valley climbed to the top of Bridalveil Falls - up moss-covered, slippery rock steps to the top - and back down again, bribing you, Caylea and Danny with ice cream to avoid having to carry you down. Later as we were riding on a bus, the guide asked us if we had been to the top of the falls and we told her the story - she looked at you kids and thought "Wow! they must be tough kids!!" Yes you were!!! The highlight was at the outdoor church service in the Valley. We got there early - the whole trip we felt God's presence - I mean, He carved this amazing valley and gave us humans it as a natural megaphone of His glory. You and your brother and sister were too young to really "get" all that - rocks, leaves and stories of bears (and ice cream!) primarily caught your attention - or at least we thought. When the minister arrived, there were about 10 other people besides our family and he asked for someone to to lead singing. You raised your hand and stepped up with great confidence to sing "Jesus Loves Me" at the top of your lungs. Everyone joined in. All this happened with Half Dome and the Valley in the background. The sounds, the sights of our kids left Mom and I remembering this as one of the premier times of worship in our lives. Your sense of God, your soft heart, your voice, and that of Caylea and Danny moves Mom and I to this day.

The second trip was full of more hiking (you guys were older then), up the back side of Half Dome and around the park. To get a camp site, Mom would call and call the day "space" opened each year to get us a spot. During this trip, we recognized the risk of bears in Yosemite as we passed by cars all along the road with windows popped out by "bear action." By then, we had perfected our family camping technique. A previous stay in the Sierras with the Lenhares got us prepared with warm camping gear and a food plan. We went the to the Sierras to baptize Yvonne at one of the black bottom lakes. We came to the lake with a big, new, three room tent, and our house sleeping bags, Power Rangers, Snow White, and I think Star Wars in style. These bags worked for Vacaville camping and indoor action, but not for below freezing camping. Indeed, the temperature dropped that first night. I awakened as the sun was coming up from restless sleep - Mom and I were laying on top of each other trying to keep warm. Mom warned me "Don't you come back until you get a fire going - we are freezing!!!" I looked in the other "room" and you were at the bottom of a pyramid of Caylea, Danny and Indy on top - all trying to use body heat to stay warm. That was funny - but clearly we needed better camping gear! Once the fire got going, we learned to cook great campground food - bacon first (always your favorite), followed by fried eggs in bacon grease and finally pancakes using the Bisquick containers for mixing and pouring. Yum, yum - we could fix up a breakfast! After that, you especially liked taking the lead in camp cooking. We celebrated Yvonne's baptism, committing her life to Jesus in an ice cold stream. You kids were not deterred by its temperature - you jumped in, shivering, and swimming around in the freezing water. Mom developed our "real" camping gear after this trip - real sleeping bags, better camp stoves, etc. and these were used from our backyard, friend's houses and all around Northern CA and then in TX.

The reality of bears in Yosemite became very real as Caylea, you and I when we came to the Valley a third time with one of your friends. We camped in the Boy Scout area outside the immediate Yosemite Valley - in tents as our usual style. One morning, we were cooking our traditional bacon, eggs and pancake breakfast - we saw him - a big bear in the distance approaching our camp. We quickly picked up cups, pans and utensils and banged them loudly to encourage our visitor to leave. Even far away, the bear was impressive. As Caylea was in Jr. High and you nearly done with elementary at Brown's Valley, we could hike and climb all around the valley, even to the top of Half Dome. It was a joyful time.

If I name a regret while in Texas, it was that we did not camp together as a family there. We spent weekends with basketball, track, football and Ultimate - lots of time together as a family (remember our "snow days" our first year in TX?) - but did not camp. That was our family thing in Maryland (starting in a friend's backyard as our first camping experience!) and in CA. Now you guys are grown up. It is hard to get you in a tent and not in a hotel or timeshare! I miss those times on the Lake, in the Valley, and just being together as a family.

In the new Heaven and Earth, the Bible teaches that there will be no more sea, but the river of water of Life will flow from the throne of God and the Lamb. My prayer is that Jesus will let the Pogues camp around that river as a family again, that we can cook bacon, eggs and pancakes, that we can play games and live in thanksgiving and praise God, that we will all be together again. Our every action in camping in Heaven will be to glorify God as a reunited family. We are five, forever, and will not be whole until we are with you before the throne of God. "Amen, Come Lord Jesus" (Rev. 22:20) and reunite our family for Your glory!!!!

Love you E,

Dad